Paper Hearts (#JustWriteIt)

Chapter 13

Dear Laura,

I walked into school today, expecting the worst; I was expecting you not to be there. Laura, this past week and a half has been hell. I just miss you so much. I miss talking to you, even if it is just muttering a greeting in the hall. I miss seeing you, even if it is just as you walk away from me. I miss your weird, goofy, bright colored outfits. I miss the sound of your laugh. I miss the rare, beautiful sight of your radiant smile. I miss the small dimples that form in your cheeks when you smile. I miss everything about you. Laura, I miss you.

It has been twelve days and two hours since I last saw you. It has been twelve days and two hours since I was happy. It has been five days since I tried to get you back. It has been two days since I just gave up and forfeited myself to the nightmarish reality that you are not here.

I hadn't thought that you would be here. Yet, there you were, beautiful as ever, graceful as ever, you as ever. I stopped and watched as you rummaged through your locker just like you did everyday.  You stopped and nervously wringed out your hands, glancing over your shoulder. You straightened your jacket. You ran your hand through your hair. You acted as if you you didn't just abandon me for almost two weeks. You looked so darn precious and at peace. Then, I got a closer look at you.

Your hair was frizzy and didn't rest close to your head. Your eyes were bloodshot and dull, no longer their pure, vibrant blue. Your face and lips were pale. You looked sad. Laura, you looked up and our eyes met. Your soul bared into mine. Your stare was dark, challenging. Your stare was cold and hating. It sent shivers down my spine. I stared back, trying to understand. I looked at you, attempting to convey my love to you. Your gaze grew colder. It was ice, directed straight at my heart.

Laura, I wish that you can understand how much I love you. I wish that I can tell you how much this pains me. I know that I have hurt you. I know that I have put you through hell. I know, I know, I know! I know that I am terrible and do not deserve you in any way. But, everything was because I love you. I will always love you, and I will always do everything that I can to protect you. I stared into the pure hatred that you had for me, and choked up. I knew that I might hurt you a little for your long-term well being, but never did I think that it would get to this. You truly hate me. I... I don't even know what to think, Laur. I love you so much and you fucking hate me. This is so hard. This makes my heart ache.

A tear fell from my eye. I broke eye-contact with you. I looked down. You wouldn't see my pain. You cannot see me cry. I love you.

My heart deflated a little. It, too, wept and convulsed within my chest. My heart pounded. "Laura does not exist to you", I remembered your mother had told me. "No love ever lasts", she said. I walked away.  That is, I tried to.

Laur, I am so, so, so, mega sorry for what happened after. I hate how this keeps happening. This is why I had to stay away. This... this is why I hate life. This is why I cannot be happy in your company. This is why I must be miserably alone. I just cannot keep them away. When we are together, evil persistently finds us.

As I tried to make my way away from my angel, my hopes and my future, Josh clamped a hand on my shoulder, halting my progression.

"Why so quiet?" Josh asked me.

My heart stammered, then beat so loudly, that I couldn't answer. I was frozen. My heart pounded. I feared that it would break free of my chest. At least, then I would be free of this horror. If it was no longer in my chest. It would no longer ache for you. But, then I wouldn't be able to see you. That would be absolute abandonment. I don't think that either one of us is ready for that yet, no matter how deeply you hate me. I still have hope for us, Laura.