Letting Lily Go

Chapter 8 Part 1: The Healing Process, After the Funeral

I can still hear her voice in my head. I don't think it will ever go away. I miss her so much. I keep telling myself not to cry. I tell myself crying is a sign of weakness, I tell myself Snape's don't cry. I remember my father on more than one occasion beating me for showing emotion. I know he's gone, but I can't stop being afraid of tears. I don't want to be perceived as weak. Nothing I tell myself can stop me from missing Lily and shedding a few private tears.

A decade after she is gone and nothing stops this pain. I feel like I've failed her. Maybe I am just like my father said I was: Weak, Hopeless, A waste of the air in my lungs and not worth anybodies affection. In reality those adjectives belonged to him.

Words even untrue ones can be extremely dangerous to ones being. Lily made me feel wanted but she is gone and I'm alone. Always alone. Maybe it really is meant to be this way.

Narrator

It has been 10 years of dealing with his feelings for Lily. Snape has only gone through three of the five stages of grief. He also went through them in an odd order, but he still hasn't finished grieving for Lily and at this point he might never stop. He finally accepts that she is dead, but is angry than he can do nothing.

Severus blames himself and Harry. If Harry wasn't born the prophecy it wouldn't have been interpreted about them, the golden Gryffindors, The Potters. Maybe Lily would still be alive, even though many muggleborns like herself were killed, and worse. He also is a bit depressed and tried bargaining with the heavens, but they wouldn't give him his Lily back. Nothing will bring Lily Evans back. You can't change history. You can't change fate, but the fate that is decided upon you is the one you personally chose to live.

A person lives in many universes, and minds, an each has a different fate, but the one you play out is one of your many fates. You see it is all in our stars, but it is not the fates that are to be blamed for our mistakes. Blips, and mutations of reality that show the person we are, even if it is not a wish made by the stars in our sky's,or head, but the one in our hearts. Julius Ceaser once said " The Fault is not in Our Stars dear Brutus, but in ourselves. Only we can be at blame for the choices made in this life." Maybe Julius is wrong, maybe he is right. This is one of the answers you will never receive as concrete in this life.

Now, with the existential crisis out if the way, on with our story.

The First Year Without Lily ( 1981-1982)

I sat and played the piano for hours. Memories of Lily seeped into my head. Of us when she was younger, her laugh, her smile. I cried, but kept the music going. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the tears. Without thinking I played on tunes I haven't played in years. Beethoven sonatas I perfected until my fingers bloodied. Little silly sings Lily and I created. The masterpiece I wrote at 16, but forgot about. Music has always been my solace.

Songs I would play with Lily, playing songs that brought on memories of some of the happiest summers of my life and songs that reflected my deep depression of losing my friend.

The last time I really cried this deeply and haven't been able to stop is when I found out my father killed my mother. My mom was so young and kind,but he saw her as a freak and a slave. She couldn't get out because she wanted me to have a family and she had nowhere to go. She was stuck. I brought her justice though,I killed that son of a banshee and felt nothing. Go ahead and call me evil, or even dare call me a heartless old fool for killing him slowly. Tobias, my father, was more of a drunk, old stranger than my father. Lily's muggle dad was more of my dad than my father ever was. He may have tangoed with my mom that one night, that resulted in my fertilization, but he will never be my dad. Tobias was a waste of air, and I am glad he's dead. When he died, I finally was able to start living.

I played many melodies and went to turn in for the night when I heard a knock at the door. Thinking it was a student I quickly changed and went to the door to find Minerva.

"I didn't know you played the piano."she said stunned.

"Yes. Lily's mother taught me. When I was a child. Why did you stop by? Don't you have lions to attend to?" I said, every word more strongly laced with anger.

I wasn't mad at Minerva. As a person I am rarely ever mad, just annoyed at life. I just don't like being disturbed when I'm focused on something that requires concentration and feel like the arts, music, dueling, potions, painting, sculpting, and writing. Today was a long day, and I am tired, more physically than mentally. Today was emotionally demanding...I had to adjust my occlumency shields which is a lot for me, and also extremely dangerous.

"I just wanted to see how you were holding up. I'm there for you if you ever need to talk. I was also wondering if you could tell me something about Petunia Evans,I know you knew her as a child."She said getting to why she really wanted to talk.

Their is always a catch somewhere and people say snakes are the only sneaky ones. Gryffindors can be just as courageous and sneaky. Slytherins are ambitious when they stoop so low as yo snoop.

"Yes, I did and she was horrible. She hated her sister and was horrid to Lily. I think she was just jealous but she hated magic. She probably hasn't changed much. She really is one of the worst sort of muggles." I told Minerva.

I went on to tell her a story of the summer after third year. The summer I first saw Lily cry. She was always so cheery and seeing her in tears broke my heart.

"She really is that bad! Poor, Little Harry!" Said Minerva.

"So Albus really is having him go there. She might be better now. People change you know. There is nothing we can do Minnie. This is what's best for him." I said trying to comfort Minerva.

The truth is she isn't better and people rarely change. I know there probably is a better way, but there is none visible at the moment. Harry should be with his family. I just have to give Petunia a chance because Lily saw something in her, Lily always seemed to see the best in people especially if they couldn't see it in themselves.

That simple fact is probably how she put up with me all those years. I never will know what my fiery angel saw in me. Such a gifted witch and I miss her already. She is dead and I can do nothing.

"Being helpless truly sucks, you know that Snape?" I thought to myself.