Letting Lily Go

Chapter 8 Part 2: That First Christmas

Somedays are better than others. I have spent most if my adult life without Lily, but at special times like these the pain of losing her hurts all the more.

Today is Christmas and it has almost been two lonely months since the Potter's passing. Two whole months a Lily has been gone for good. I was hoping maybe something could bring Lily back, but nothing can bring back the dead. That hope is lost, and tears are shed on this happy day.

I ignorantly awaited an owl and then I realized the only one who writes me is Lily. We exchange cards over the Holidays and keeps in touch. Lily made the holidays special for me after my mother died because with just my father it was just another dismal day. She made me happy and a part of her family.

I fell in love with her because of her kindness and heart. It stings think that my love for her was unrequited and that I will never see her glowing beauty again. Even though she died months ago,at this magical time of year it feels like I lost her all over again. Oh, how I miss her so!

I sit in the great hall watching the students mingle and laugh. I want to be happy like them, but now that feat seems impossible. I remember being one of them. I remember sitting at that table with my robes with that green and silver crest.

I also remember Lily young and happy at school. She was always top of our classes. She proved that muggleborns may have been ignorant of our world, she wasn't stupid. I, a half blood knew of the world, but never stepped into it. I was just as ignorant as her, and I am a potions master. I was bullied because I was different, and the choices I made. Lily was bullied do to with something that couldn't be changed, her lineage. I was just like Lily at the start, unknowing how to use the gift, but because of this simple fact, I was seen as better than this beauty. A wonderful women, who I had the pleasure of knowing. The bullies just passed on their chance of loving a girl worth saving.

I remember one day before the holidays where Lily actually sat at Slytherin table. My house mates tried to bully her, but I protected her. I didn't need to because she could hold her own, but I felt I owed it to her to protect her since she was facing them for me. To show her I still cared.

Lily  stayed because she was friends with me. Lily saw no reason for us not to be friends or sit together during special, happy times of the year that are supposed to be about family and friends and coming together as a community.

As much as the Slytherins didn't like to admit it we all sort of liked Lily, but everyone else hid it because she was a lion and bullied me instead. Snakes can't love lions, they are natural born enemies, but it doesn't have to be that way as we are people not animals. Our houses just show some personality quirks shared. Sometimes, the sorting hat sorts too quickly anyway.

Everyone could learn from Lily. She understood so many things and decided that prejudice was stupid. No matter how hard I try I can't let the house rivalry go and the prejudice. Lily understood that in the real world your house in school didn't matter,  it's who you are inside that counts.

I don't know how Lily understood and could really get me, but she did. My relationship as friends stayed good with Lily because I thought of her as my best friend and I someone who didn't deserve her, but enjoyed her company. Lily was never an ignorant Lion. She was brave, loyal and smart. She was never just a lion to me.

The Slytherins are supposed to hate the Gryffindors, but I loved one. We were supposed to behave like this because of the founders. Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin didn't get along, even though some say they were once best friends who disagreed to the point of stubborn hate. I think we should just set aside our differences and try to learn from our elders mistakes, but that is easier said than done. Grudges are easier to hold than forgiveness. We have more similarities than we think, but we are still different. Our differences is what makes us beautiful and unique. If only the others could see that.

Memory of a Happy Christmas

I remember one Christmas with Lily. I was sitting in my room after I found out the truth about my mother's death. I was sad,angry and loathing. Lily came in and I tried to shut her out,but she always knew how to break through my shell.

She started out simple and sweet and then she got fierce. That was the first day Lily actually screamed at me. "SEVEROUS TOBIAS SNAPE YOU WILL GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT AND TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HELP YOU?" She screamed desperately until I finally gave in.

I learned not to anger that red head because she really did have a temper fierier than her hair. Also, I didn't want to anger my already drunk father because now I really don't know what he is capable of and I don't want her to get hurt. Especially since I suspect my mother is dead, killed in a drunken struggle.

I explained to her the situation and she looked like she was going to kill my father. Lily was always a kind person, but when someone hurt her friends her fiery temper showed through, delicacy is needed at times like these, especially if you don't want to be punched. That is the only time in my life I ever saw pure hatred in her eyes.

We got out of the house and I spent the rest of the holidays with her. One day I relapsed into being cold and shut off. Lily slapped me for that and told me to stop being a Scrooge. I got confused at that statement and then read me Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol. I could read myself, but I think she knew just as well as I did if she left me with the book I wouldn't have read it. I can be just as stubborn as her.

It is a good story and I was slightly offended to be compared to Scrooge. That did the trick though and I did my best to be cheery for the rest of the Christmas Holidays.

That was the best Christmas I ever celebrated. I felt included. I felt loved again. I decorated the tree with colorful muggle and a few wizard ornaments of my mothers and some Lily brought home. We read stories. Shared stories. Baked some delicious cookies. Gave out toys to children at an orphanage and went caroling around the neighborhood. Christmas May have started out terrible, but it had a magical ending. That is the spirit of Nöel.

End Memory

One thing that Lily taught me was that giving to those in need is a great,rewarding feeling. Because of Lily I know give to many charities, both muggle and wizard. I might not make much on my teachers salery, but I can still afford to give some of my money and time to those in need.

I make potions for others and for some people who need and cannot afford them I give them for free. They are grateful and find in someway to pay me back. Money isn't the only form of payment. I was never rich and will never be rich with money, but I am rich in every other way that counts.