Intertwined Hearts

Habits

I had to forgive myself.
I had to move on.
I had to belive that things happen for a reason.

I managed to promise myself not to go into a state of mild depression as I did before. Mainly because there's was nothing I could do. So I did move on, I focused on work.
He left throughout the week to do work but he came home earlier and stayed home later. He would bring lots of cheap alcohol into the refrigerator. He seemed to be just fine. We weren't married yet, and living on the edge.
Steven had his baby finally; she was so sweet, and he named her Chelsea. Wow did she take almost all of Stevens genes; they were identical. Looking at her and looking at Steven and his wife made me think about the miscarriage a lot; but I started to see it more as a strength to get better so that I could get pregnant again with  and could have a child in a time that we were ready.
I felt like I had things under control. I felt like I was lightening up. Like I had another chance and I for sure did not want to blow it.

" You want some more," he asks, holding the bottle of wine in his hand. It was Valentine's Day," No thank you." I answer and sigh. He shrugs, nods, and swigs the second half full bottle of wine.
We were laying in bed; listening to music and winding down from a long day.
" You doin alright?" He asked in a tired manner, after wiping his mouth, and wrapping his arms around my torso. His body warmth was comforting, and I remained silent but in a very soothing state of being, " Hmm?" He asked again, as his hands went up and down my arms, " Yeah yeah, I just have a little headache that's all...and I think I'm getting sick." I chuckled, " Your probably should touch me, you'll get sick too."
" You being sick isn't going to stop me from touching you."
" That's gross," I laughed, " I'm just really hot and I have a tickle in my throat."
" That's not sick," he chuckled, continuing to play with my neck, " You're just a bit groggy, it'll go away soon."
" If I end up with the flu it's all your fault."
" You know, you're always worried about something. Always. Whether it be yourself or others, you're always worried sick."
" Yeah, so what? It means I care."
" No, it means you over-care. You worry too much. I feel like you'd be much more relaxed if you just layed down. We are literally and bed and you keep sitting up. It seemed like the alcohol didn't really seem to help. You haven't had a joint in a while, have you?"
" No I didn't really have a reason to-"
" Well now you do." He pulled out a lighter and some paper, and all the works, "Why don't we smoke one and mess around?  I mean, what could go wrong? It'll be good for you."
I sigh and nod, " Yeah, alright."

My head rests on his chest as he seals and lights the first joint of the evening. I knew the drill, it all came back to me. He handed me the joint, and I took it between my fingers, then between my lips and I inhaled so deeply, I felt it fill up my whole body and I exhaled slowly. It started to burn, and he rolled himself one and started smoking.
" Its been so long baby," he states, silently chuckling, his arm swing around and I'm laced into his clutch, " I love you," ..I rub his arm with my free hand and just exhale through my mouth, " I love you too." and I noticed some marks on his arm, " what happened to your arm?"
" Huh?" He asked confused.
" Your arm, dude. It looks swollen....." He looks at his arm, while I'm rubbing it, " It looks bruised...."
" Ah yeah, " he laughed nervously, " I just haven't been too careful....it was after the gig and duff and I were messing around and I banged my arm on something, I think it was the drum set...it was stupid." He lied, casually.
" I'm surprised you haven't broken a bone on stage!  Please promise me you'll be more careful..."
" You know I'm not going to be." He nervously chuckled again.
" Yeah, but I'm your girlfriend it's my job to say that. But seriously, cmon why don't you be nice to your body?"
" Why don't you smoke some more? You're worrying again."
So I took another smoke. As I lay there I first think that it was it. We were back at it again, back to our habits. Our habits when we were young and restless. And we sure as hell still are. But I was okay with that, it wasn't our time, and going back to our normal life before pregnancy we were a whole hell of a lot happier. And you know what? It was okay, I felt no shame. I knew what I was doing, so did he.