-riley-
I didn't think it would be this hard to see Lucas with Maya; but as I see Maya get ready for their upcoming date, there came a sickening feeling in my stomach. And it wasn't the first time:
I watched Lucas mount, ride, and fall off the bull. I watched his body hit the ground and it took all of Zay's strength to try and stop me from climbing the fence before the bull was secured. I felt the fear come over me - which was a different kind of nausea, in a different part of my stomach. I also watched him get up off the ground, and the relief in my body was the best feeling I could ever imagine. It's like I had an epiphany. I can't lose Lucas. I love him.
But then, I saw the way my best friend's face filled with worry; and that was the first time I've ever seen her face look like that. And the feeling erupted in my stomach as my eyes switched to both my best friend and Lucas, who I just realized (after watching him almost die) I could never lose in my life. My best friend has feelings for Lucas. And I, on the other hand, have to forget this feeling that I was in love with him.
When I talked to Maya, the feeling came and gone; my throat felt dry, and I had a pain in my chest. I ignored it all because she is my best friend and she only deserves the best. And Lucas was it. That's all.
•
The second time I felt this feeling, I was dancing:
A love song was sung at one of Lucas' favourite childhood restaurants and all I could think of was Maya looking at Lucas - in the same way that I did. But that doesn't matter. I love him... like a brother. I do.
The words of the song struck me too hard and I had to catch a glimpse of Lucas. Instead, as I looked to my right, I saw a glimpse of Maya, already looking at him. The feeling returned and it became difficult not to let it consume you. I couldn't stop myself from looking at them. A perfect match. I should have known.
•
The third time, it was short. But the feeling was still there:
I tried to avoid talking about Maya's relationship with Lucas. I ran away from her and whatever she had to tell me. He might be my brother, but I still needed time.
Seeing Lucas after Texas was refreshing. Knowing he was alive and in my life gave me all the strength I needed. Until he said our hi to Maya. That was when the feeling really took over. They looked at each other the way we did and I thought I was going to lose all ability to breathe.
•
After that it didn't really go away:
When I sat with Lucas to try and ask him for advice, I just couldn't stop our moments from flooding in.
When Maya told me Lucas asked her out, it took all my strength to keep standing.
When Maya came to my window the next morning, I didn't know how to wipe all my tears without her seeing. I pretended that I just woke up.
When I came in to Topanga's and saw them on a date (where Lucas and I shared way too many study sessions AND our second date), I almost forgot I was going to go have my own with Charlie Gardner. I let Lucas go.
-lucas-
Everything happened like a blur:
I was on a plane ride to Texas, I rode a bull, I became the town hero, Riley was beside me, Riley loves me... like a brother??
I bet if you give me all the time in the world and I still wouldn't understand what that meant.
I realized how much I valued her the moment she fell on my lap in the subway. And that never changed. No one influenced me to be better as much as her. I know that isn't fair to say because I have Farkle and Maya, who haven't left me either even after knowing my past; but Riley is the one. She's the one who gave me hope without even knowing it. She saw so much light in me that I've always desired to see for myself. She let me in to her life. Farkle and Maya are amazing friends, but Riley is my game changer.
But of course, it was too good to be true.
I know, I seem to be okay with anything, but that's only because Riley is in my life. Having Riley look at me the same way I look at her makes everything okay. Whatever happened in Texas, I wasn't okay with.
In Texas, her eyes changed. She couldn't look at me properly. She loves me like a brother and it hurt more than I showed it. And I was just confused. Two years of us trying to develop a strong relationship, and it was all thrown out the window. I don't get it.
And then, Maya likes me? That was more confusion I couldn't take. Since when did Maya like me? Isn't there a best friend code for that?
But I almost kissed her. How could I, the one who's been saying that Riley is everything, try to kiss another girl? I don't know. I wished I didn't. I'm still confused. But that's not an excuse. I put myself in the middle of the two best friends that could ever be; I broke a promise that I made to myself and dug myself into a deep hole and it looks like there's no way out.
I was told that when you kiss a girl, she has to be your girlfriend; but what happens when you almost kiss a girl? Does she become half your girlfriend? I don't know how any of it works. But I ask Maya out anyway. It's only fair.
What I didn't expect was Charlie Gardner coming back into our lives. I secretly hoped that he wouldn't come back. But of course, he's back for Riley. And she's going out with him. I don't know why all the anger I've been suppressing for so long just wants to all come out all at once. I couldn't stand Riley with him. But I was on a date with Maya. And Riley doesn't feel the same way about me.
