To the Moon and Back

KABANATA 4

It wasn't an easy fight for Luna. And the fight isn't over yet, but she's lost already. Lalo na para sa bagitang puso nito. Lalo na sa damdamin nitong madaling nahulog. Madaling nagmahal. Madaling nabasag.
She was so innocent. She was so new to it. She was so vulnerable. Ridiculously fragile. She didn't know much things about love then. She didn't know much even now.
Hindi niya naisip dati na halos kalahati na ng edad ng kanyang guro ang sarili nyang edad. She was too blinded by her emotions to see the conflicts. She thought reality is a sugar-coated playground where things are sweet and colorful.
Akala niya, lahat ng bagay ay kasing ganda at kasing dali ng mga fairytale na napapanood niya sa telebisyon.
Marahil tunay nga na 'pag dumapo na sa iyo ang mga kamay ng pag-ibig, wala ka nang magagawa kundi magpatianod kasabay nito.
She never saw the impossiblities. The walls were high, but she saw through it. Masyado siyang nabighani sa kanyang guro, sa itsura, sa kalooban. She used it as her weapon, but she never knew that in the end, that weapon will cut her own flesh, that that was the cause of her own pain.
Then she began seeing things she hadn't seen before.
Nakita niya ang katotohanan. Na imposible. Na mahirap. Na masakit.
Na nasa sinapupunan pa lang siya ng kanyang ina, nagdiriwang na ang kanyang guro ng ikalabing-isang kaarawan nito.
Na hindi pa siya nakakapagsalita, nakikipagkwentuhan na ang kanyang guro sa ibang bata.
Na hindi pa siya nakakalakad, naghahabulan na kasama ng ibang bata ang kanyang guro.
Na hindi pa siya makasulat nang tuwid, nagsasagot na ng mga pagsusulit sa eskwela ang kanyang guro.
Na estudyante siya. At guro niya ang minamahal niya.
In the end, age still matters. Mapanghusga't mapanglait ang mata ng lipunan. At may mga bagay na hindi talaga nakatakdang maganap... kahit anong pilit dito.
She was too young to be hurt like this. She was supposed to be throwing tantrums for the toys she wants in the mall, instead, she was throwing tantrums for a man she couldn't have.
She was supposed to be afraid of the darkness of her room when she's alone, instead, she was afraid of the darkness of her world without him.
She was supposed to be amazed with the magic of fairytales, but she knew ahead of of time that magic doesn't exist. That fairytale is just another word for beautiful lies.
She was supposed to be playing around with other kids, instead, she was playing alone with her heart. Wondering when would it heal. And when would it hurt again.
She was supposed to be crying over her wounded knee, but she was weeping over her broken heart.
At sa mga panahong iyon, wala siyang masabihan. Wala siyang mapagkwentuhan. Dahil ang tanging kakampi niya lang ay ang kanyang guro, na siya ring dahilan ng kanyang pag-iyak. Ng kanyang pasakit. Ng kanyang pagkadurog.
Sinabi niya sa kanyang ina, ngunit tinawanan lamang siya nito. Hindi nila alam. Hindi nila naiintindihan.
They can never understand.
From the day she had read Sir Aries's letter, wala nang gabing hindi siya umiiyak. Wala nang umagang hindi siya nalulungkot.
She always wakes up with a heavy heart. She lives a day through with fragile smiles, fake laughters, weak nods and silent tortures.
Her heart wasn't just broken, it was shattered. Powdered into invisible pieces. Impossible to put back together again.
Totoo nga sigurong tanging ang tao lamang na nagpatikim sa 'yo ng tunay na kahulugan ng ligaya ang nag-iisang tao na siya ring kayang bumawi nito at palitan ito ng lungkot.
But she belived that time almost heals every wound. And so it did. But it was a long long time.
Sinubukan niya itong kalimutan. Sinubukang iwaksi sa kanyang ulirat. Sinubukang burahin bawat gunita na nanirahan sa kanyang puso't isipan nang matagal.
She tried forgetting him, every little and single piece of him. She tried.
Matagal. Hindi agarang nawala ang bawat alaala. Madalas, bigla na lamang itong susulpot sa kanyang isipan. Bawat malalim na boses ay nagiging boses niya, bawat kamay na dadampi ay nagiging kasing-init ng sa kanya. Bawat matang tititig ay nagiging paningin niya. Bawat tawa ay nagiging katunog ng sa kanya. Bawat sulok, bawat lugar, bawat lupalop, naroon siya. Nakangiti sa kanya.
Bawat bagay na may kinalaman sa kanya, agarang nagpapadala ng alaala. Notebook, ballpen, blackboard. Buwan, bituin, araw, mga planeta. Asul na scrapbook, pulang laso, itim na bag.
It's like forgetting something you've never known. Or remembering something you've never forgotten.
Everything seems to fall apart.
At siguro, dahil sa araw-araw na sakit, nasanay na ang puso ni Luna. Natuto itong gamutin ang sarili nito. Natuto itong maging matatag. Maging bato kung kinakailangan.
Day after day, she endured the pain. She blocked every fraction of memory kicking in, shouting his name, flashing his face. Kahit mahirap.
Week after week, she hardened her shell, she protected herself. She cured her own wounds.
Month after month, she faced her own misery, her despair, her grief. She tried remembering how to smile again. She tried seeing the beauty of the world, even he's no longer in it.
Year after year, she glued her broken parts together, but they were never the same again.
Hindi pa pala sapat ang mga iyon. Dahil hanggang ngayon, siya pa rin ang nasa puso't isip ni Luna.
It took her a long time to completely forget him. But in a second, he was all over her again.