A/N: IT"S BEEN TOO LONG.! I SWEAR I"LL TRY TO UPDATE MORE OFTEN. Trigger Warning. If you ever feel this way please contact someone or just text me. You are not alone and you will be missed, no matter who you are. Please don't do anything bad to yourself and although it can be difficult, talking to someone is the best thing you can do. ╥﹏╥
I wake up. I'm on the floor and my vision is all blurry. I close my eyes and feel the cold hard ground beneath me. I take in everything that has happened. Why? Why did I do this? I'm so...so...stupid. I'm fucking stupid. I'm an idiot and a retard and I deserve what has happened to me. I deserve what I've done to myself and so much more.
I open my eyes, adjusting to the light and I start a shower. Fuck, how will I clean this blood? My arms shake and my knees almost give out as I clean the trail of blood leading from the sink to the floor. That's when I look in the mirror and my eyes widen in horror. Dried blood. New scars. All over my body. I look like a monster that has just been killed. That's how I feel, that's what I am. A monster. I'm a psychopath. Who in their right mind would to this to themselves?! Ugh, how will I hide this now. Although I regret it.... I deserve this. I deserve this and so much more. Why didn't I just kill myself? So many questions unanswered. So many thoughts just wanting to be expressed, but I don't know how. The only way I know how to cope is by doing this to myself. I was 3 months and 2 days clean. I'm just a useless piece of crap, nobody will ever love me for how I look anymore. I will be hated.
I finished cleaning the blood and got in the shower. As soon as I got in the hot water I felt a stinging sensation throughout my body. I tried to carefully shampoo my hair and wash my body whilst avoiding the fresh cuts from earlier. After that I got out and dried myself. I wrapped the towel around my body and walked into my room. I dressed into an old MCR shirt and some sweatpants. I got my phone and put on some music while I laid on my bed.
At first I didn't notice them but then all of a sudden I was surrounded by thoughts. One after another, all attacking me...making it harder to breathe. What was the thing google said helped?...Oh yea, take a deep breath and count to ten. During all of this I forgot to take my pills, I usually take Benzodiazepines. They're anti-anxiety pills that I literally can't live without. I stood up and grabbed the all too familiar orange bottle from my hairdresser. I took out a pill and walked to the bathroom, honestly not giving a shit anymore I popped the pill in and took a swig of water from the faucet.
Thirty minutes later of just staring out the window blankly and listening to music starts to hold a grip on you. I watched the afternoon sun turn into a bright and cold moon. The sky changing colors from orange to lavender and finally to black. There were no stars this night so the sky looked just as I felt inside, empty and bare. What am I doing with my life? I'm literally just letting the seconds, minutes, hours pass by. In the past 24 hours my life has changed drastically and all for the worse. I don't want to be my old self, I promised myself that I would change. What even am I doing in this Earth? This planet as we know it can be the only planet containing life form. We can all literally be a small fragment, a small piece of the universe. So minuscule, so insignificant. We are nothing. There are billions and billions of universes but our universe has been set up in a specific way. Our universe aligned itself exactly the way it has in order to contain life but what even is life when there's greater things happening out there. There are black holes eating everything in its way, there are planets crashing against each other, there are stars dying, there are universes exploding. But us? We're just here walking through the days, one by one, not even caring about anything else but ourselves. We are nothing yet we act like we're the greatest thing ever. What if we weren't meant to be here. What if we are a mistake? While thinking all of this I saw the beautiful and cold moon turn into a bright and blistering sun. That's when I decided to go to sleep, school isn't that important. These are the moments in which I thank everything that my parents work all day. They're probably gone by now.
XOXOXO
Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Love you stars.
