Written in the Wondering State

Five ~

All my life I've felt like a five
Maybe it's bc I'm a little love-deprived
Or that I've never been "truly alive"
But even as I strive, strive, strive
To be better and greater
I still get haters
But you know if you called me later
I might actually care

But still I worry about my hair
And what people think when they start to stare
And what's behind her irrational glare
And exactly how much stress can I bear
And "oh I'm sorry, there's no more room to share
I guess you better sit over there"

But honestly
It doesn't bother me
That I'm not on the first pick team
For a while now I've been really over the whole clique thing
They're all so fake
Treat life like it's a piece of cake
And one day they're all gonna break
And they know it too
But they're currently consumed
With who likes who
And whatever's new
And gasp she's MAD at you
For something that doesn't even MATTER
But you know what's sadder is that
Both of them knew they were wrong

So which is badder
Being fake but loved and "sent from above"
Or being real all along
And having to stay strong
And being a five

When you're trapped in a world of tens
Sometimes you just want the world to end
Because you don't think you can do the same damn day over again

I know people who have thought about dying
Because they're so sick of trying
To find themselves amidst all the lying
That this world keeps acquiring
And I'm trying to buy in
To all the trials that I'm facing
But sometimes it feels like all the good I think I do keeps erasing
And I'm constantly replacing things
That I didn't even know were broken
Because I always keep everything bottled up unspoken

Because that's what happens when you're not proud of being a five

Sometimes I don't want to be alive
Sometimes I'm too tired to strive
Because if this is the world we live in
And all you have is what you're given
So if you don't get the right genes
Then all the work you put in means nothing
And it's just "aw kid you're not enough
That's just too bad
The waves are gonna get rough
You're gonna get real sad"
Then what's the point of dealing with all the lies
When all you are is flat hair and fat thighs?
Mean kids know exactly how to puncture
When you have too many zits and a bad bone structure

It's hard to be made fun of somewhere
And then be valued under your own roof
Because you know one of the two isn't telling the truth

And because my brain is keen
To lean
On the extreme
And obscene
Things
That the mean
Kids say I don't see
Myself as beautiful

And maybe they're the ones being truthful

I'm a five
It means I'm slightly decent
If someone says I'm pretty
I normally don't see it
I have nothing more to give
Does that mean I've no right to live?