XY and Z

8: In public your not safe either

     She tried to relax on the bus, tried to think of her happy place. It was useless because in reality she was headed into the playground of nightmares. Speaking of nightmares she had one last night staring Z. in this nightmare from the beginning he was everywhere and nowhere. Nobody else saw him but her and then everyone became him. She was surrounded and they all jumped one her all at once pulling at her tearing her clothes apart, then her skin, and finally the muscle to reveal her bones. Each one had a piece of her and then they all turned around and ran in different directions. It ended with her blindly wondering around feeling nothing, no smell or hearing to guide her to her lost self.

     She woke up in shock, sweating and stumbling around in dark for the light switch. Wow! she thought sarcastically. You let him in at some point, now you can't sleep. Good job! she chastised herself.

     She could use this time on the bus to catch up on her sleep. The bus wasn't too shaky and the worst bumps in the road were gone. She shut her eyes and it felt so good, like an ocean washing over a dry and thirsty desert. Unfortunately, the relief was short lived when her best friend woke her to get off the bus and on to school grounds. Throughout the day she didn't care about anything just that she got through the day without anyone seeing just how extremely exhausted she was physically, emotional and mentally. Before classes started she found a nice silent, secluded corner of the school to take a nap with her best friend standing guard.

     She suspected her best friend was starting to catch on but she didn't know. Unlike before when they almost always knew what the other was thinking, she didn't know if her best knew what she was going through. She never told her, she didn't want to tell her and she know if she needed to. For the first time she wasn't sure if her best friend understood what she was feeling or thinking, she always thought they knew each other so well. She was starting to doubt their friendship. But what has her best friend done to deserve that doubt? nothing, so why? Maybe because everything on her mind had Z involved in it somehow. She didn't want her best friend mixed up with Z in anyway, not even in her mind.

     Around break time she was feeling a bit better so she decided to socialize with some people she didn't know very well. Most of them were Z's friends but that didn't mean that they were just like him. Her stomach was grumbling but she didn't feel like eating right then, she decided to hold off until lunch. She listened to the conversation for a while, then Z came crashing in through the group with a smile on his face. He started making sexual gestures behind some of his friends. He started touching people inappropriately as a joke and most of them were boys. Suddenly he grabbed her from behind, lifted and carried her into the middle of the circle that they usually formed when having a conversation with many people at once. He set her on her feet and slid his hands down under the waistband her pants. She had no recollection of where her hands were, they could have been trying to separate their bodies or prying his hands out of her jeans. If she wasn't scared of what he would do she was now. His hands moved from her jeans to the hem of her shirt and then under, he pushed his pelvis into her back. He was squeezing her so hard she could barely breathe and at that moment, for just a few seconds she blacked out. She didn't remember what happened, but he stopped and she realized that her bra was unclipped. Most of the people around her were laughing so she gave a dishonest laugh and slipped away.

     She turned a corner and rushed to girls restroom, got in one of the stalls and silently sobbed until she was red in the face. She stayed there for the rest of break and then some, during that time she tried to compose herself and failed several times. She was afraid that when she exited the restroom Z would be waiting for her right around the corner. She didn't care he wanted to apologize or make things right he couldn't now. Z just crossed the line and that terrified her.

     You really just got molested. her brain sneered. Your such a strong girl, yeah right you weren't strong enough to tell him no, you weren't strong enough to stop him. You're not strong! You're weak! You're just a love sick girl who can't speak up for herself! her head screamed. You're a coward! you're worthless! The thoughts wouldn't stop coming and she couldn't pull herself together.

     She wanted to disappear from everyone and never see this place again. She wanted to scream, cry, hit something, runaway, curse, and most of all to just stop all of this. She contemplated going to the administration about it but she was humiliated, exhausted and scared. She had reached her limit for dealing with other people for the day. She just wanted to be done with today.

     When lunch finally came she didn't eat, she didn't stand around to talk, she got straight on the bus and balled up in her seat. She ducked her head so nobody could see her from outside the bus. She was silent all the way home, she feared that if she spoke everything would come pouring out again. Every emotion wanted to come out at once and she was trying so hard to keep them that she started to shake.

     She alternated walking and running while shaking from the bus stop to her front door. The minute she reached her front step she burst into a pile of sobbing mess, took her backpack and screamed at the top of her lungs into it. Somehow she got up while sobbing, unlocked the and put her bag in her room. At this point she had bawled so hard that she could only see slightly out of one eye. she went in the kitchen cupboard and pulled out a bottle of liquor and took three massive gulps and started cursing at Z. He wasn't in her house but she imagined that he was for the sake of her pain. The alcohol burned her throat and empty stomach as she took two more gulps. She set the bottle down on counter, lied down on the carpet and cried again. Got up started yelling imaginary Z again, she threw her backpack, a chair and some papers. She then lied back down on the carpet and sobbed her brains out.

     she wasn't a violent person and certainly didn't like alcohol but she didn't want be herself anymore if meant be molested by someone she...what? someone you trusted? she never really trusted Z in the first place. Someone you loved? she had just met him this year. Someone who was your friend? He was her friend at one point but he certainly wasn't her friend anymore. She felt betrayed, powerless, weak, helpless, hopeless, pathetic, and used. Maybe because she was used up, she was powerless, she was weak. everything was backwards in her mind at the beginning of the year she was confident and full of life, now she didn't care if she ever slept or ate again. She wasn't safe in her own skin much less in public with Z around.