XY and Z

9: sanctuary in hiding

     She spent her time as far away from everyone as possible while being on school grounds. In some ways it what she needed so she could think about what was going on and to try and figure out what to do. In other ways it gave her more time beat herself up, to bang her head against the wall and freak out without anyone seeing how far she's fallen. She was having panic attacks which made her feel a little better afterwards but in the moment she thought she was going die. During the attacks she couldn't move, couldn't speak because she was struggling for every breath. The fear paralyzed her and pinned her down to steal the air from her lungs, the thoughts in her head and her consciousness.

     She took different routes to her classes each day, but there was one way that she was especially avoiding. The way she used meet with Z along the front of the gym to get to chorus. They would say hello, hug, he would look into her eyes and call her darling. It was there she believed him to be good and it was where she never wanted to be again.

     She attended her classes without any sign of Z, she looked over her shoulder about every 30 seconds just to be sure. She must look like a crazy person, heck! she was crazy; Crazy scared, crazy humiliated, crazy in every emotional sense.  If she heard Z's voice, saw him, or even if she could smell him she would hide. Her favorite spot to hide was behind the gym out a gate which was never locked. This place didn't look like a good place to hide but It was because nobody ever walked this way. It looked like a place where teachers used to go for a smoke break, back when a teacher smoking on school grounds was acceptable. There was a curved brick wall that formed a cliff at the top of a small mount of lawn, with steps leading around the corner where the pot heads would go and kiss their Mary Jane.

     It was here that she was most comfortable, sitting on top of the wall. Sometimes she sat on the lawn under the wall. This was on days when she was more worried of being found.  After about a month of this she was the master of hiding. She was part of the shadows that the buildings would cast and knew which doors were locked when and where they go to.

     She never went anywhere near the cafeteria and avoided the courtyard as much as possible. Lunch wasn't option most days, she couldn't risk  Z finding her. She was always to nervous to eat at school anyway, so when she did get something to eat she would take it to go. At first she would eat on the bus but eventually she forgot about the food in her bag until the next morning. The mornings weren't any better, she could hardly sleep anymore so mornings were frustrating and nerve quaking. If she did sleep she often had nightmares which made wake up too early and she could never fall asleep again. She would wake up sweating, crying or screaming. After waking up she would think about the day to come. This would overwhelm her to the point where was too nervous and anxious to eat breakfast.

     Sometimes she would have cravings and she would make herself eat the closest thing to what she craved. It would take her anywhere from an hour to three hours to make herself eat it all because everything she put in her mouth tasted like dirt and felt like ash. soon after the cravings stopped she lost her appetite completely and started having pain in her stomach. The pain was unlike anything she had ever been through, it felt like somebody started a fire in her stomach. When she ate her stomach ached, when she didn't it burned without the nice warm feeling inside.

     One day she couldn't take it anymore. She made a small sandwich, took a chocolate bar from the cupboard, a yogurt from the fridge and crackers. She gagged on everything even the yogurt but she kept forcing herself to eat. She thought to herself this is how far you've come? Why don't you just take the leap and be done with it all? No! she wouldn't think about doing that again she already promised herself and her family that she would never think about committing suicide again!

     At one point in time right before her parents started fighting she was feeling depressed. She believed it was because of her lifestyle and how her parents could never find the time to help her with homework, personal issues and attention. Her sister has downs-syndrome and she understood that her sister needed special attention, so at the time she felt like she was just in the way. For some reason she never considered just running away maybe because she was confident that she wouldn't make it on the streets.

     Her thoughts were constantly beating her down. The thoughts of doubt, anger, self-frustration, cowardice, no self esteem, no confidence, no back bone, fool, stupid, blind, over-emotional, worthless, hopeless, helpless, nothing. It was enough to set her up for another panic attack.