XY and Z

15: To Good To Be True

     There were only a few days left in the school year and she was finally starting to eat properly again. Everyday she was at least trying to take another bite of whatever was on her plate. After everything that was happening she forgot the move which had become complicated. Half way through the year she had moved in with her grandparents on her mom's side. Her parents and her sister moved closer to our new home ahead of time. So she could finish the school year down here. At that time she had absolutely no room inside herself to realize how much she missed her dysfunctional family. That was the only thing that was really preventing her from eating as much as she used to.

     She was starting to sleep again the only problem with that was she still had nightmares. Sometimes her sub-conscious would work it out but the one nightmare that never worked out was the one when she turned into a monster at the end. It seemed like the more she dreamt the one nightmare the more true it became. Sometimes she wanted to be angry or not feel anything at all and that's usually how it went everyday. She felt like she was going crazy most days, she was going to grow devil horns, fangs and sprout red bat wings at this rate. Her thoughts ventured to dark, violent places sometimes but it was all in her head. When she actually thought about doing something violent she remembered who she wanted to be and why she was trying to help L.

     When she wasn't angry she didn't feel much at all. It was like an emotional switch that kept her from feeling anything, which was nice considering that for the last six or seven months every emotion she could possibly feel wanted out 24/7. It was especially nice when see saw Z because she feel anything, no pesky painful memories. The memories were still there but they didn't force themselves into the front of her mind. Maybe it was like crying and after crying for a long time you can't cry anymore. She had to admit though it was hard to convince people that you were fine when you can't fake a smile for your life.

     Everything was going okay in her mind and she was on the last leg of the school year. The only thing that could break her at this point was L. She knew it was coming at some point but she still dreaded the day. She didn't want to deal with it now or at all. So when she found L sobbing in a back hallway she was afraid that all her sympathy and the ability to comfort her was gone. She went up to L and sat next to her on the floor.

     "You were right, you all were." L sobbed.

      "What did he do?" she asked softly dreading the answer. L told her everything, the two of them went a trip with L's parents. It wasn't clear if L and Z had there own room or if L's parent just stepped out for a while but Z tried get L to sleep with him. L told him no but that wasn't the answer he wanted so her they argued over it and it ended badly. He ended the relationship the next day and paid L no mind from that night onward.

     "I can't believe I let this happen! I'm such an idiot! L muttered with an angry look.

     "Don't think for second that it was your fault L. Z is who he is and might never change for anyone. He doesn't deserve all his good looks if you ask me." she said with a grin. L gave a slight chuckle " "Look your not an idiot and your not the first one to fall for his games. Now that you know what the games look like you might know how get out of them because there is no winning for us girls when guys like Z play there games." She said in a serious voice while looking L in the eye. "Girls like us that have a heart are the ones that get sucked into games the most."

     Not once did she cry or feel sorrow when comforting L. Was it really necessary for them to cry together over the guy? they weren't friends and they really never planned to be.  At the beginning of the year she would've hugged L and considered a friend. She would've done anything to make her feel better. She got up and left L in the hall, She couldn't sit there and pretend to feel sorry for L. She told her that Z was trouble, she didn't believe and now she has to pay the price.

     On bus right home she recalled all the events of L and Z  being together, The hugs, kisses, whispers and laughing. She wasn't jealous anymore, it was ridiculous to be jealous something so fake. They didn't matter and nothing mattered anymore. She hated Z and she didn't care if L ever spoke to her again. She didn't need anyone now nor did she really want anyone to be around her. She was content to be alone because nobody can really help her anymore.

     She was not the same person anymore, she didn't believe in love, she had learned that everyone lies and that emotions can be responsible for physical pain. She had hurt herself with emotions that she couldn't control. She vowed to always be in control of her emotions and her situation. To never let someone lie to her and have their way. Most of all she would never act upon her feelings for another person.