XY and Z

12: Bravery and compassion

     She didn't know if she could pull this off, even with the help of her friends old and new. Becoming the person she was before falling apart and helping someone who is about to go through the same thing. She tried everyday to think of the things she used to do, but it wasn't the same. She didn't feel the same, it was like trying to put two different puzzles together as one. At the very least it was easier to look at Z knowing and accepting who he really is. She still had to mentally prepare herself for spending concert rehearsal in the same room with him. 

     she just hoped that she could change this new girl's mind about Z before she starts to really get involved with him. She had to admit that she was jealous at times when she saw them together, not for him but their happiness as a couple. At times she would second guess whether what she was doing was right. Breaking up a happy couple because of what Z did the her. Maybe she would change him, maybe he would behave himself this time, maybe he feels bad about using us like toys. Ending a happy relationship was probably the worse thing she would ever do to a fellow female. She can understand if the new girl would hate her for ruining everything in the relationship. Was it really okay to break a relationship apart if she deemed it unfit? She knew everyone else would see it as jealously and selfishness. If they ask and accuse her of being jealous she wouldn't have anything to tell them, much less anything that they would believe. The only people that would believe and support her at school was M and her new friends. If she went through with destroying this relationship she could lose the friends she had at the beginning of the year, maybe even her best friend if she disagreed strongly enough with her.

     All that for a girl that she never met before and the only thing they had in common was Z. Why was she even doing this? What was in it for her? Getting back at Z for the mind games he put her through? She wanted nothing to do with Z, she wanted the move to come faster so she could be over one hundred miles away from him! Everyday she still woke up from an hour of sleep with anxiety knowing she had to share space with him. She was still scared, frustrated, angry, disgusted and disappointed in him and herself.

     She and a few of her friends found the new girl before she could interact with Z. They didn't bring up Z immediately that would just creep her out.  She didn't want to just tell her and leave, that wouldn't have done anything. She wanted the new girl to trust them when they do share their experiences with her.

     She had shared her experiences of Z twice once to her friends and once to her new friends, but she still wanted to keep it all to herself. She felt like she hording the whole year in her mind. She was reluctant to let go of the humiliation, frustration, betrayal, and all the other negative emotions that sliced her to the bone. She always believed that what ever you say and do in real life can never be taken back. So to her telling her story to this new girl is like getting a giant tattoo on her face and she would rather not regret telling something so close her heart.

     She wasn't afraid of Z anymore, right now she was mainly angry. if someone asked her to list every feeling she's felt during this school  it would look like this: Fear, accepted, sadness, worthless, misunderstanding, overwhelmed, powerless, confusion, anger, frustration, betrayed, worried, violated, inadequate, embracement, guilt,  loneliness, inspiration, disappointment, provoked and finally withdrawn from everyone around her. She was getting through these like a 90s mechanical pencil. A week ago fear was the main show, all the other emotions were there they just weren't being dealt with at the moment. she was wearing down emotions one by one like checking off items off a grocery list with huge amounts of GeForce applied.