The next chapter won't be up for a long time. I'm posting this because this chapter really goes with how I'm feeling right now. I feel kind of really sad so it's kind of really sad. Wow. Weird, huh.
Also this isn't edited well I just edited it once and wanted to post it to get it out of the way so I could write more. That doesn't make sense. Oh well. My head really hurts.
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// and when the worrying starts to hurt
// and when the world feels like graves of dirt
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Snow tumbled out of the sky in fat flakes, blanketing the ground and soaking the grass. Jack was staring at the sky with his mouth opened, tongue outstretched to catch the flakes. Alex was wearing a bright turquoise gay-ass scarf that he had refused to take off all day long. Rian was watching Jack stumble around with his mouth tilted up to the sky in amusement. The three boys were walking down the street to Rian's house, Alex and Jack there to bid goodbye to their friend. School had ended for the day, and the rest of the week for that measure, leaving everyone to escape for winter break. Rian was making his way down to sunny Florida, leaving Jack and Alex to stick out the snow in Baltimore for a week and a half. As they reached Rian's house, their goodbyes were said and hugs were exchanged, because Jack still was craving the affection that Zack wasn't there to give him anymore. Rian disappeared inside of his house, leaving Jack and Alex to make their way back down his street, not knowing where to go.
"Should we go to my house? We can watch Home Alone. And it's closer," Alex suggested. He had been working on speaking with Miss Beatrice, and he was getting much better at making normal conversation and not sounding ridiculous. Yet, Alex was the only one who really considered himself stupid at times. If he was really that stupid, Jack and Rian wouldn't want to be around him. Alex found himself immersed in the different shades of color that the street consisted of, when Jack nudged him.
"Isn't that your house?" Alex looked up, and his heart sunk when he saw an ambulance sitting outside of his house.
"Yeah," he said in a quiet voice, his hands immediately shaking. "Why are they here? What's happening?" He stopped walking, afraid to find out what was going on. The colors of everything suddenly seemed so much brighter, and everything was completely overwhelming. The grey of the sky seemed blinding, all the snow were LED lights flying down from out of the clouds, the street was a solid slate grey color that made everything spin around him, and the ambulance was a bleating neon box of pain. Alex leaned against Jack, not knowing where to put his feet.
"Alex-"
"Is it Tom? Maybe it's Tom. What if Tom got hurt?" Nobody was able to find out if Tom got hurt, because the ambulance took off moments after Alex's words left his mouth, and the pair watched the ambulance speed down the street. Jack stared at Alex, who stared right back at him. Jack's eyes were an overwhelming brown, and Alex looked away to look back at the street that was giving him a headache. Everything was giving him a headache, and he felt like his head was going to explode.
"Look, it'll be fine. Do you want to call your parents, make sure they're alright?" Alex didn't say anything. "Alex?" It was like that day at school where Alex didn't reply to anything Jack said.
"Come on, let's go inside."
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Jack had never been good with comforting people. So when the call came from the hospital and Alex's mom managed to sob out the news that Tom Gaskarth was no longer a living, breathing, human being, Jack didn't know what to do. He didn't know Tom at all, hell, he had never even met him. Alex didn't know what to do either, and was sitting on his bed asking the same question over and over again.
"Where is Tom? Where is he? Where's Tom?" Jack didn't know how to reply, and didn't know when Alex was ever going to understand.
"He's, he's.... He's not around. I'm sorry, he's not going to be around for a while. A long, long while." Alex stared at him with confusion brimming in his eyes.
"When will I see him again? Will I ever see him again? Why isn't he going to be around? Was it my fault?" Jack felt like he was talking to a little kid, explaining the concept of death to them. The fact that Alex had asked the question about Tom's death being his fault fucked with Jack's emotions even more, and he found himself choked up and not knowing how to answer his friend's questions.
"Listen, I'm not sure when you're gonna see him again. I'm not sure if you're ever gonna see him again." A long silence followed that, a silence that Jack wished wasn't there. When Alex finally spoke, his voice was so quiet and soft that Jack barely heard him.
"What?" Alex's voice cracked, and Jack saw the tears filling his eyes. He had somewhat realized what had happened, but obviously not completely.
"I'm so sorry. It's not your fault, though. You had nothing to do with this, I'm so sorry."
"No, no, no, this is just a bad dream. I'll just wake up and you'll be at home and I'll go to school and- and everything'll be alright. Everything is gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be okay. Ev-everything is gonna be okay." Jack wished that he could agree, and bit his lip as he saw tears fall down Alex's face.
"Everything is gonna be okay, Tom is gonna be okay."
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Alex had been repeating the same ten words over and over again, for too long for Jack to think of. It had been hours for sure, and Alex was a horrible wreck. He had started off emotionless his eyes glassy and lifeless, then moved to crying, then moved to sobbing where he was screaming the words at Jack, and was now whispering the words as he sat, wrapped in his blanket. His cheeks were red, his eyes glassy and his throat sore. The rough voice kept repeating the words that were stuck on loop in his head.
"Everything is gonna be okay, Tom is gonna be okay."
Jack never replied. Alex's parents had arrived home but hadn't checked in on their son. There wasn't much anyone could do for him at this point, and all Jack could do was lie to him.
"You should sleep. When you wake up, things will be okay again."
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It was cold in Alex's room. He woke up with Jack's arms wrapped around him, the two lying in bed next to each other. Alex began to tense up at the feeling of someone else's body touching his, as he wasn't one for human contact, but he felt very safe in Jack's arms. He felt safe and he felt okay. Jack's arms were warm, but something else was very cold. Something was missing, something was wrong. It took a moment for it to hit Alex, but he realized it right away. He felt like he had been punched in the throat, and gasped, recoiling back into Jack's arms. He closed his eyes, wishing everything would go away. He just wanted it all to go away.
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Everything had been fine. No, everything had been better than fine. Rian was going away on vacation. Rian existed. Rian was Alex's friend, Rian was Jack's friend, everyone was friends. Jack and Alex were going to watch Home Alone, and Jack loved spending time with Alex. Alex was adorable and amusing and wonderful. Jack made Alex feel needed and wanted and alive, he made Alex feel happy. Jack and Rian treated him like a normal human being. The only other person who had done that was Tom.
Tom was standing outside in a rainstorm during the summer. Tom was falling asleep after a long day. Tom was hugging your favorite person to hug. Tom was seeing an old friend again, but acting as though the last time you saw them was only yesterday. Tom was a bright day after a hard night, Tom was laughing after crying, Tom meant everything. And Tom was gone.
So Alex cried into Jack's arms, wishing that Tom was still there.
After some time, Jack pulled back a bit and looked at Alex. His eyes were red and swollen, his eyebrows drawn and a heartbroken expression on his face. Alex's tearful eyes closed as Jack leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead.
"I'll take care of you. Don't worry."
YOU ARE READING
Eyes Open ✰ Jalex
Fanfiction- In which a lonely kid named Alex who is only slightly obsessed with how colorful the whole planet is meets a lonely kid named Jack who has stopped obsessing over anything and spends his days desperately seeking someone to fill an empty space in hi...
