Love is Complicated

I Love this Woman.

You know those moments in the movies, where the main character is swallowed in and can't take it any longer, so everything sounds like it's muted? Like a bubble has allowed them to take time to grasp it all, while everything keeps falling apart.
That's exactly how I felt, standing on that stage. Both sides of my family were yelling at one another, and it was muted in my head. I could see them, but their voices... I could barely make out. Caleb still stood beside me, but I could only feel the heat generating from his hand. I could sense his brokenness, like it was vibrating off of him. His face was the only one I was able to see clearly, but maybe that's because we were so close together.... I have never seen that much sadness on his face, and I didn't like it. A smile, rosey cheeks, a blush... something needed to replace that sadness. He deserves more than sadness...
The yelling kept getting louder, like it was trying to break the barrier around me; trying to pop the bubble I made. I started to understand why his face held so much sadness... Why his body had a visible weight that was weighing down his shoulders...
"How could you let her choose this?"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Why wouldn't you let us all try to agree?"
"Where were we in this?"
"When did you decide to let your wife die?"
"What kind of husband are you?"
My breath hitched. Shocked by those who I call family.
What kind of husband are you?
The look on Caleb's face worsens. Each second it gets louder, pushing me farther into this horrid reality. I felt anger, rage, but most, disappointment. I finally get dragged into the full blown reality and it hurts to think, because of the yelling, and questioning.... Caleb tries to calm them down and I can tell by his face, that he's trying not to cry. He releases on my hand, but I grip harder, reminding him that I'm not going to leave him hanging here.
"Hey." I try to muster out.
No one even hears me...
"Hey!" I yell louder, my voice getter thicker and my anger getting worse.
No ones fazed.
"HEY!" I yell over them all. Everyone stops and looks at me.
"Yes, look the angry, pregnant woman. You want to question him?" They all go silent, trying to hide that fact. "What kind of husband are you? How dare you even ponder that question! This man is the only reason I'm surviving this! You have no right to question him."
Everyone stands still, almost like a little boy getting in trouble with his parents for reaching into the cookie jar.
"Do you all remember that we're married? We're one. If you insult him, you insult me. If you insult me, you insult him." I take a deep breath, feeling winded. "I need to sit down." I feel light headed. Caleb helps me into the seat placed upon the stage.
"Are you okay?" He quietly asks.
"I'm okay, just normal things." I breathe in and out, knowing it will pass after a couple minutes. With my hormonal change, if I feel a certain emotion too fast I get winded for a few minutes; like the baby's saying, 'Woah, calm down Missy'.
"Isabelle is my wife. I didn't let her make this decision on her own. We discussed it; together." Caleb speaks after fiddling with me.
"So, you're okay with losing your wife?"
"No, not at all. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks, because I can't imagine living without my wife; she is my life. I love this woman. She's who I wake up to, who I lay down with, what I dream and hope for in life. She makes me a better man, and I am eternally grateful for that." Caleb looks back at me. "But I love her too much to make her do something she'll regret for the rest of her life."
"I still don't understand how you could do this..."
"Let me explain in a calmer manner." I take in a deep breath and release, "Raise your hand if you are a mother." Several hands shoot up, including my mother's (yes, plural). "Now, put it down if you would do anything, including dying, for your child." I give them a few seconds, seeing their faces determined to keep that hand down. "Not one single hand stayed up." I stand up, taking my husbands hand. "I'm doing that same thing. Only my child is still in my womb. Give me a chance to show my little girl how much I would give for her." Most of them smile, but I don't care; not everyone will understand. "I'm gonna try my hardest to hold on." I promise them all the same promise I made to Caleb when we first found out.

***

"A girl?" My daddy greets me once I slowly descend the stage. "My grandbaby will be a girl!"
"Yes, daddy. A little girl." I giggle, as he pulls me into a fatherly hug.
"Caleb, I'm sorry; I just got so angry." Leo apologizes and sticks his hand out. Caleb looks at the hand and shakes his head. At first I thought he was going to walk away and be stubborn, but instead he pulls his father into a hug.
"It's okay, dad." He murmurs.
"Isabelle dear," Hilary hugs me, "you're gonna make one heck of a mother."
"Of course she will be." My mother steps up, and grabs both of our hands, Hilary's and mine. "You are going to survive this."
"I know." We all laugh and form a group hug. While we're all formed together, I notice Ella walking into the area where no one else was. There was a hallway that lead down to the kids Sunday classrooms, which were cut off from people entering. She purposely wove herslef around the barriers and slide behind the doors. When Hilary and my mom broke apart, I excused myself from them and followed my best friends path. I had a little difficulty woving myself between the barriers, because of my fat belly, but I eventually got there. When I reached the doors, I pressed my ear against them like a nosey teenager girl would. I heard her crying and I got worried.
"Ella?" I slowly open the doors, turning to my left, to find her standing against the wall, sobbing.
"Isabelle...." She fails at saying my name in any form of human language.
"Ella, it's okay. I'm going to be okay."
"I'm being so selfish." She sobs and I get confused.
"Why?" I laugh, trying to brighten the mood. I place my hand on her arm trying to sooth her crying.
"I'm pregnant..." She whispers, before sobbing again. "I was all excited to tell you, and make plans for our kids but...."
"My plans ruined it." I finish for her.
"I'm going to miss you, like crazy! You're my best friend, and you taught me that I control my life. Without you, I'd never be doing what I dreamt I would do, or I'd probably still be with that two timing jerk face who cheated on me. I can't live without you, and I don't want my kid to go through life without knowing who my inspiration is!" She starts hyperventilating, but I help her control it. "I know there's a chance you will live through this, but my mind keeps telling me other wise, and I can't block it out!"
"It's called fear. I would know." I uneasly laugh and she continues to sob.
"I can't live without you, Izzy."

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Thanks for reading!

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- Emuna_Jasmine