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33

Two months since Felix's death. I will never be able to recall the sadness and the pain at the funeral. The fact everyone was crowding over his dead body, hoping that he'd come back from the dead or something. But once I saw Felix's pale, bruised body at the morgue, I had no hopes of him coming back.

I had never seen something so bone-chilling, so nauseating in my life. His body was just... There. It was limp, like a delicate rose petal on the white-sheet bed.

I didn't even realise that I was sobbing on his body until Dylan pulled me back, whispering in my ear that it'll be okay.

But it never is. It never is fucking okay, especially when everything crumbles around you.

I remember whispering to his body at the funeral to come back, to just be there. To just breathe. But of course, he didn't. And whatever the hell is up there has never listened to me anyway, so it didn't make much of a difference. But there is no doubt in my mind I had a false hope that it was just a nightmare.

That I'd wake the next day and he'd be in his bed, a bottle in his hand. But all of that is gone now- and it's never returning.

I had to choose the people who would come to his funeral, but then again, since I didn't know many of his friends, I didn't invite many. But I invited Tyler, even if he didn't know Felix. I couldn't think of anyone else to invite besides a few of his mates from the bar.

I didn't want Felix's funeral to be empty.

Both men stood there in suits, Dylan and Tyler, their gazes lowered as we stared at his body in the middle of the venue. We chose to hold the ceremony at the park, where Felix loved going with his friends for a smoke. He always took me with him as well, he'd always tell me everything weird that happened to each one of his friends and we'd laugh together.

Dylan and Tyler nodded to each other, although they hadn't spoken in months. I hugged Tyler the moment he met my gaze, his eyes full of pity and sorrow. But the last thing I wanted was those things.

"Hey." I said, meeting his gaze again. "Thank you for coming."

"Of course. I am very sorry for your loss. I know what it's like to lose someone. " he said, gazing at his shoes. I felt Dylan's eyes on us, but I felt nothing but numb.

I nodded politely, accepting his compassion.

"I just had no idea of how bad it was..." I said, feeling the tears prick back into my eyes. But I don't let them escape my lids. Dylan and Tyler exchanged a quick glance before Tyler's gaze returned to mine.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." Tyler said, his eyes steady on mine. "Alone." he added, glancing at Dylan. But Dylan didn't say anything, instead he just walked away.

"Meet me at the Docks. In eight weeks' time." Tyler whispered, his brown eyes still glued on mine.

"Eight?"

"I know. I can't make it any sooner." Tyler said, sighing.

"Okay." I said, nodding to him in accord. "Eight weeks' time."

And like that, Tyler was gone. I didn't hear anything else from anyone at the funeral, which was quite relieving. I don't want to talk to anyone about it anymore because I can't.

I've become unable to distinguish night from day now. Two months. Two fucking months since Felix died. My life has become this regular routine of following old patterns, but not the same way they used to be. My whole body has been drained from energy, my ability to feel anything is gone. The pit inside me, which was once at its peak of emptiness after the Josh accident, grows inside my body like a virus, disintegrating me cell by cell. Not even Dylan talks to me about it anymore; our relationship is breaking at the bridges now, mainly because I don't want to talk about most things.