detachment ✔

epilogue

His darkness is what initially drew me to him, because I knew that that was the only thing that ignited that spark inside me, the spark that made me feel alive.

I ponder in the darkness of the night, thinking about his dark brown eyes that always manage to draw me to him. He's right next to me, his eyes closed as his warm body rests under the covers.

I can't help being in love with someone who used to be such a dark and sinister human being; hell, was he even human? After battling for months, he finally made his way out of his illness. He's clean now, and so am I. But in any case, I know his warmth is what blocks that darkness inside him that sometimes comes out- the warmth he always smothers himself in, like a mask. He's more flawed than ink on a blank canvas, but he gives me the colours I need to remove me from numbness, and I give him the storm he needs to survive.

Because that exact numbness was the only thing I had inside me when I lost everything. Everyone has their guilty pleasures, and mine is being with him. Because I know that he loves me more than anyone, and I love him that much too. We are just broken souls, who after all these years, need each other to survive.

And I don't mind the darkness because I know he's right there with me. I know we can fight the darkness, but only if we're together.

After all this time, I have finally understood what Felix told me.

"Love isn't about cute puppies and fluffy pillows. Love is falling in love with someone, including their darkest moments. Because love is sparking each other once the darkness starts to engulf you. Love is only that."

Now realising that those words had been said prior to Felix's death, I understand why he said them. Because he knew he was going to die, and most importantly, he knew he was going to die without someone who loved his darkness.

Humans are just dark creatures who mask themselves with a fake smile, because nobody is perfect, and no one has a perfect life. And the monster that drove Felix to his last breath is the monster that also drew me towards him. Towards Dylan Black.

Even his name symbolises darkness, insanity. His name also means 'the one born near the sea', meaning that he is the one that is supposed to control the tides around us. The ones that, whenever they keep coming back, are kept at bay because of his strength. Because his darkness matches mine, because his past is as broken as mine. That darkness is what drew us together, the one that also killed Felix.

My whole life after Josh, all I wanted was detachment, when all I really needed, was attachment.