Bad Blue Woebegone (Fourtris AU)

[9]

I got off of the bus in North Carolina at a little pit stop in the middle of no where.

I enjoyed the lack of people and the quietness, less people to judge me and my hospital gown.

I soaked up the smell of the ocean, and the faint sound of waves breaking on the shore. It was peaceful, despite the freezing wind and pelting rain.

I walk away from the sound and started the short journey to the beach. I couldn't help but grin as the sand squeezed between my toes, giving me a sensation like no other. It was so soft, yet harsh as the grains bit into my skin.

I walk along the water, watching the murky water clean my feet briefly before being sucked back in.

I was drenched and shivering but couldn't have been happier.

I took a seat on the sand under the shelter of a bridge, watching the water rise and crash, shift and break. I couldn't even do that much. I only broke and crashed.

When the sky turned dark, and the rare lingering people disappeared, I walked closer to the waters edge, wondering how far I would have to go in order for it to cover my head.

I decided to find out, I walked out in the water, shivering and feeling numb all over. It was a good feeling.

When my toes couldn't feel the soft sand, and the waves covered my head, I let go. I stopped struggling and relaxed, swimming to the bottom of the ocean and digging my feet in the sand in case I got the urge to swim back up.

My lungs screamed but I relished in the pain. I deserved this. The only person I cared for was being cared for and that's all I wanted. I know she'll be okay. Who knows, maybe my death will be a mystery and no one will ever find my body. That would be fine too.

My body ached under the pressure of the water, the salt stinging my eyes and my stab wound.

When my body finally came to terms with the fact that no matter what, I was never going back up, we let go. I release my hands from the sand I was grabbing and drifted closer into that awaiting darkness.

My mouth tasted gritty from the sand and now I know how kids felt when they got over taken by waves.

In a way, I was that kid, except no parent would reach down and grab me and lift me and swim to shore. No one would cradle me and wrap me up in blankets and tell me I was going me okay.

I was never going to be okay. Maybe that's why no one saved me. Why save a person who doesn't want to be saved? Their efforts would render useless.

My mouth unconsciously opened, searching for that air that would relieve my lungs from the pain, but that relief never came.

The darkness came forth.