Before the Rain

Six: Let's Get Lost

Past all of the awful parts of the city of Eugene lies an odd, almost anomalous little niche of trees.

This contrast of nature trailed off into the Cascade Mountainside. I'd never hiked there or anything, but they were visible from the overpass and I'd always hoped they'd be the last thing I'd see.

They weren't the tallest mountain range in Oregon, however, they were the most beautiful. Especially in the fall, when the snow began to settle at the peaks, and the trees shifted from a dark green color to a yellow and red one. There were so many things to appreciate before, and sometimes I miss that; the way of enjoying things. It's quite pathetic really, accepting that you'd never come to allow yourself that happiness. But I think I'm far too gone to even comprehend that I'm missing out. Also, it's much easier to convince yourself that life is worthless when you lock yourself in your room and read about suicide rather than frolicking in a golden fucking forest.

However, I've been meaning to go there, maybe purposely loose my way. I don't know if I'll have the motivation for it, or rather the will to test my pessimism. But either way, I'd like to go.

❧

My mother stands in front of the stove boiling eggs whilst probing me on how my day went with Adam, "So what did you guys talk about?"

"Nothing important," I reply innocuously.

She groans in mock-frustration, "Come on Cal, you gotta tell me something."

"We talked about books," I say to her, although with a bit of an attitude.

"Oh," she hesitates before continuing on, "Well, do you guys like the same books?"

I shrug, "I don't know if he likes them, but he was familiar with the genre."

I couldn't help but trace back to what Adam had said about being my friend. And that I was smarter than him? Why was he so hung up on that? Perhaps it was a way of dominance, or a false sense of hope so I'd confide in him more and he'd pass his midterms.

Fuck! I'm right.

This is the feeling I'd always been trying to avoid; the desolation and destruction of other people. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle this kind of rejection.

"He wants to meet up with you again tomorrow, after school," my mother says after sliding the plate of boiled eggs to me from across the granite countertops.

I mutter a 'thank you' under my breath and eat some of the pieces of boiled egg in front of me. She nodded but did not say anything else.

❧

I stood at the edge of a drop off a few meters from my neighborhood; the bottom, however, did not seem to be filled with anything but leaves and mud. Earlier in the spring it would usually be filled with water about halfway, but I guess it hasn't rained in a while.

I used to notice things like that; the weather and the way people's emotions would change along with it. I used to notice the beauty within the woods and the mountains and myself. I've lost that sense, and perhaps that was one of my greatest downfalls.

I wanted to jump right off of the cliff, somewhat peacefully, hopefully breaking my neck when landing upon the bed of leaves and mud.

Is it so odd to want to end one's life as much as I do? I probably consider offing myself at least four times a day as if it were some kind of routine. Perhaps a terrible way to go through out your day, but fuck, it's the only way I keep myself from losing my mind. (Although I never really had a stable sense anyways.)

❧

Adam beams at me from across his light wooden desk, "You look nice."

I flush, "Oh-uhm, thanks."