Before the Rain

Seven: Spare Me Your Questions Since You Know Me So Well

After quite some time on my hands I came to another realization; there's absolutely no way I could ever even in the slightest find Adam something other than appalling.

Did I even really know myself well enough not to fall into that terrible pit of hopeless admiration? Because it ends in the same way just about every time for myself.

Not to mention all of the other "things" in which would completely fuck up any kind of happiness within my life. Something else were to always consume me and for that I am thankful yet somewhat resentful.

Perhaps I didn't want to stay like this forever, maybe even move on from the mindset I was practically raised upon. But I already know that no matter how much I want things to, they'll never change. Everyday begins and ends in the exact same way for me, and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about.

Well, there are a few I suppose, but there's always the option of me surviving, and I can't take that chance again.

I stood over the edge of drop off again, this time hiding away from whatever were to come of our visits next.

My mother practically forced me to have Adam over again. I didn't argue. Instead I took things into my own hands and surpassed my better judgement to abscond away from him and his always ebullient demeanor.

The problem was, I saw what he was doing to me. I recognized the kind of miraculous effect that "changes" people. The last thing I wanted was to loose control of myself. Often times I felt that's all I really ever possessed in my life, and losing that control meant something else. Another way about life, and I'll forget all about what I did or what I tried to do to myself. I'll think of it as an irrational teenage tendency and nothing more of it. I become just like everyone else, completely blind to their impending misery, yet never quite completely satisfied with themselves. Nonetheless, keeping a good attitude either way.

This is living in denial, and I promised myself I'd never get to that level of uncertainty.

I saw it everywhere, in everyone. It didn't matter how fucking happy they made their life out to be; they're will always loom a repressed hopelessness. Always repressed, because how else would you carry on throughout your days? Living in regret and misery, a constant state of self deprivation? Of course not.

Reminding myself how easy it is to end it all at the top of this drop-off transcends over all of the bullshit people volunteer to put themselves through. Their facade of reason and justification works better as a blind fold rather than a way of life, and I am thankful to have found this out.

"Cal?"

I turn around quickly, my back now facing the edge drop-off, "Why did you come to find me?"

Adam cocks his head to the side in confusion, "Why wouldn't I? We've got another session today."

I let out an exasperated sigh, disappointment and a bit of aggravation taking over most of my emotions.

Adam makes his way back towards my house, and I (in a pathetic acceptance of defeat) follow after him.

I keep my eyes on the yellow and red leaves beneath us whilst Adam extinguishes the silence with his never ending optimism, "...So then when my family was still together we all went down to our cabin near the lake and we saw tons of seagulls and once we watched one catch a fish and-"

"When your family was still together?" I interrupt him.

"What?" he says, his voice weak and almost unsure, "I-um, yeah. My dad is gone, well, not like dead but he's not around anymore."