Before the Rain

Thirteen: It's an Awful Afternoon but What Else is New?

Sorry this will probably significantly shorter because I have an SAT tomorrow. Anyways, enjoy these suicidal thoughts.

-

Almost a week had gone by without a word from neither Adam nor Matt Olivas.

Not that I'd want to openly admit this to myself, but I was beginning to let the paranoia of the situation set in a bit. It was just a small amount, but of course as fate will have it, and I'd know better than anyone that it would escalate quite generously at incredulous speeds.

And to add even more things that could've possibly made my fucking existence even more difficult, I'd had a session with Dr. Scott just about every goddamn day this previous week. They just so happened to be twice as long and three times as comprehensive and thorough then before. Which in turn just ended up making me feel more empty and worthless than before.

I just missed Adam so fucking much, and that was the terribly unfortunate and inevitable truth.

❧

I awoke to the light patter of rain hitting the glass on the outside of my window. I pull the burgundy velvet curtains aside to stare out onto the blue mist. The sky was an unusually dark gray color, especially considering the previous "always sunny" and goddamn bright mornings in which Eugene so generously offers. It was a nice change, I guess.

As aforementioned, I did not particularly enjoy most things in life. I fact, I am not entirely sure I even I could enjoy them, but besides that, nothing made me appreciate anything anymore. Even art and music had little effect on my mood. However, whenever it rains I feel surrounded. The clear, empty sky is consumed with dark varying clouds and rain and hail and fog. It is no longer empty.

I do not want to be empty anymore; I never really did, but this time, I want something to change. I'm willing to surrender a bit of myself, my insight, my pessimistic nihilism, in order to feel any sort of consumption.

Of course I'd be much more fond of Adam closing the gaps of depression with his never-ceasing optimism and charismatic ebullience, but I cannot entirety trust myself. I am getting there, but I do not trust the flickering light in a room of darkness. I don't want it to go out; that would be the absolute worst possible scenario: An already shitty dark room just to add another shitty burnt-out bulb. Why would I want to drag himself into my darkness? Of course I could not let that happen, he was much too important to me.

❧

One of the gym instructors in which I certainly abhorred made his way to the center of the court, his shoes making that godawful stretching noise across the wood, "Hey! You guys up in the bleachers need to dress out today. Now I don't want to do this to you, and I know you don't want to do this, but the school board is making us do a physical evaluation today. Sorry, don't blame me. So get dressed and line up outside of the coaches' office!"

I rolled my eyes and exhaled in annoyance, yet decided not to unnecessarily defy whatever they wanted out of us.

A few other students similar to my current state of physical motivation, or rather the lack of it, slowly made their way down the bleachers. I followed after them silently cursing everything.

I entered the locker room, suddenly so aware of the situation at hand: I had to undress in front of everyone. Not that I had anything to hide, (I wear my emotions on my shoulders) it was just so fucking uncomfortable to have to change in the presence of other students.