Before the Rain

Ten: These Words I Write Mean Everything Yet My Notebook is Empty

I hadn't seen Adam for a few days now, and if I'm being completely honest, I was missing him quite a bit.

It's unfortunate that I've already relied this heavily upon him for some kind of stability. Technically he is my therapist, so there is some kind of justification for this sudden confidence. However, I still wasn't exactly alright with myself, especially in that way.

I think I am much too afraid of my feelings; not to add the fact that I have no idea what Adam thinks of me(in that way) and I certainly do not know if he is even into boys.

I was supposed to see him today but my mind got the better of myself and now I am standing in front of the drop off.

A sudden quiet fell over the woods, the only noise audible the light whistle of the wind. I stare down at the cake of mud and yellow leaves for a while; definitely knowing that I won't do it, but also well obliged that I so easy could, and no one was around me to tell me otherwise.

I sat on the edge, my feet hanging over the cliff. There was something so thrilling and quite precarious about all of this. I am so alone, yet in a way, I felt another warm and lonely presence.

I turned around to find Adam, staring at me with concern and something else? A longing look, almost..adoration?

"Calvin come here please," he says, his voice a bit shaky.

He opens his arms and walks towards me.

I wait a few more seconds before falling into his arms, "I'm not going to kill myself, at least not now."

He pulls me closer into his chest, "Yeah I know. You could've accidentally fallen though. Gotta be careful."

"I am careful."

He laughed uncomfortably before eventually pushing me out of the embrace.

I stand back, suddenly colder and noticeably emptier, "Oh um, do you think it would be okay if I could know some things about you?"

"Oh yes of course! Anything you want to know I'll tell you," he replies, always so fucking cheerful.

I follow him up into the treehouse, a small part of myself reluctant.

He sits across from me, his chin resting upon his hand and his eyes upon mine, "So, what do you want to know?"

A wave of paranoia rushed into myself, fuck, why did I decide that this would be okay?

"What is your favorite color?" I blurted out, my voice weak.

He grins at me, "Hmm..it's green."

"What kind of green?" I inquire.

He responds without consideration, "Like the forest."

I nod, unsure of exactly what else there was to ask other than the most obvious. If only I had the courage to just ask him  about his sexuality. It most definitely is not as embarrassing as I perceive it to be, this I know; perhaps I am afraid of the answer, or rather, his curiosity as to why I would ask.

Of course he would know, I fucking kissed him.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Adam shifts himself closer to me, "Anything else?"

I shrug pathetically, avoiding his gaze.

He lets out an exaggerated sigh, "Well, do you want me to tell you some Adam facts?"

That brought a small smile to my lips, "Sure."

"Okay well, you know the basics; I'm twenty, I go to UO, I am now majoring in Sociology, minoring in Psychology. I live with Matt and my mama for now. My dad left us when I was around fourteen," his voice trailed off in such an odd, and for the first time depressing, way.