Before the Rain

Eight: I'm Reading Get Out of My Room

Depression works in mysterious ways my friends..

-

I really like Smashing Pumpkins.

My parents despise them; they've always thought that my music somehow influenced me to be upset or defiant. They also think that I tried to kill myself because there's so much violence and death on TV. Or that my music is too depressing and "angsty."

Well that's bullshit.

I love my parents, especially considering that they are really attempting to help me, but I think they are perhaps a bit ignorant towards my perspective. They have no idea what's going on in my head, and they have no idea that I've been gradually hoarding away my antidepressants.

But of course they wouldn't understand; I don't expect them to.

I don't expect anyone to, honestly.

Perhaps that's why this inevitable loneliness is inevitable after all. That's why no one would see any of this coming, because they don't fucking understand anything about me.

It's actually quite difficult to earn that specific perspective unless you yourself have actually suffered through the undeniable torturous ordeal.

That's why I am somewhat curious about Adam's past; or maybe even his present. It's obvious that something has happened to him, no one can be that positive one hundred percent of the time. His consistency leads me to believe that he is always off onto another subject, not necessarily pushing the attention off of him, but simply diverting it towards the things he wants you to know about him.

I've had quite a bit of time on my hands to come to this conclusion.

For some odd reason, I just need to know what happened to him. Why does he feel the need to always cover his identity with an excruciating amount of ebullience? Why does he feel compelled to not only "help" me, but also others? I mean, he's switching his major from fucking marine biology to sociology. There's got to be an underlying reason for that; even if is broad and diaphanous.

However, I don't think I'll get anywhere with him, not as long as I've got the slightest crush on him, in which I do.

I still don't fully condone whatever I am about to get myself into, but I've been so tired all of the fucking time. And I've been counting the nights that I haven't been able to sleep through, so far it's been just about all of them, and I am beyond over any kind of hope.

It's because I am going to die soon.

And this isn't going to be another lame, failure of an attempt.

No, I am going to be gone forever.

I am going to keep my wits about myself.

I am not going to be afraid.

I am not going to let anyone stop me.

And I am definitely not going to deny myself the obvious flutter in my chest whenever he so much as looks at me.

Because, like I said, I'll be so far dead so soon, so..fuck it?

❧

"Why weren't you at school today?" Adam inquires, his shoulder brushing up against mine as we walk into the woods.

My step falters as I wonder how exactly he could know that, "What?"

"Matt said you weren't in gym, so I called your mom and she said that she dropped you off at school in the morning. Where did you go?" He persists again, his tone a bit sharp and intrusive.