The Scars Within

Relief

Sadly, that wasn't the last time Dad did that. Events like that happened for months. I know I'm being really general and vague here, but it was almost the exact same thing every time it happened. He would be either drunk or hungover, then he would blame me for Mom's death and say I killed her because of the divorce, and it would end with a few hits or kicks. Now, it didn't happen everyday. Probably every other day at the most, occasionally it would be once a week. Generally it stays at about two or three times a week. Just enough time inbetween that the bruises can start to heal before coming back just as bad or worse.

Things at school haven't been much better. They haven't escalated yet, thank God, but I don't think I can handle much more of this. My former 'friends' all abuse me, my own Father thinks I killed my Mother, on top of that, said Father also abuses me, and things haven't been moving very fast with my phone. Officer Boris told me that no one has even looked into the calls and texts from the night of the accident. Everyone is always 'really busy' and can't look at it. What a load of shit. Both he and I know that no one will look at it because they're already convinced I killed her. They don't want to even think about the possibility that I might be innocent. So much for 'Innocent until proven guilty.'

Ricca has stayed oblivious during this whole thing. I don't want her to know about it either. I make sure to wear clothing that covers all the bruises and markings so she won't ask questions. Thankfully she hasn't been around when the other students bully me. Knowing her I'm sure she would step in and ask why I never told her about anything.

The only thing I have to look forward to is summer. Luckily I've been able to keep my grades up through all of this, so I don't have to worry about summer school. There's only a couple of months left until I can get away from these people. Then I can get a job or two and stay out of the house. I wonder if I would be able to rent an apartment for the summer... Probably not. I would probably need a parent's permission and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Sighing, I think, 'I wish time would go faster. Then I could finally move far away from here. Just... get away from everything and drive. Drive until I run out of gas, where no one will find me. Maybe I'll find someone and start a new chapter of my life with them. Anything to forget all of this ever happened. Just live the cliché small town life. A house in the country, a pet dog or two, and the family I created. Yea, that sounds nice. To bad it'll probably never happen. That's the type of thing you only see in movies.' I make my way into the bathroom, and just stare in the mirror. It's the weekend right now, so I don't have to worry about school. It's been awhile since I last got hit, so all of the bruises are finally starting to heal. On the outside at least. I can still feel each and every one of them. They hide just under my skin, a constant reminder of everything. I don't think they'll ever fully heal. Of course, the visible ones will, they always do, but the scars within will stay with me forever.

Glancing down at the sink, I see my razor. 'No. Don't even think about it. That won't help anything.' But, I'd heard stories before that people actually feel relief when they do it. If there's anything I could use right now, it would be relief. 'There are better ways to find relief though. A therapist maybe? No, they would talk to the school and Dad. They'd probably call the cops as well. I don't want that. Getting the cops involved would just make everything public knowledge. It would make things a lot worse. The insults would change and people would say I lied about the abuse to get Dad away from me. Hah, knowing them the whole town would believe I slept with the Sheriff to get him to arrest Dad. I can't tell Ricca either, I don't want her involved.' Biting my lower lip, I stare at the razor. Shaking my head, I start pacing.

"I'm not going to do this. Nuh uh. No." Pausing my pacing, I glance at the sink again, then continue. "It's a bad idea Carmin. Don't do it... But what if it does help? No, I can't. Why hurt myself more? Everyone else has that covered." Then I stop pacing. My mind wanders back to all the things I've been through this past year. Mom has been killed, everyone, even Dad, thinks I did it, I get bullied and abused at school, Dad is an alcoholic and abuses me... Maybe I could use a little relief. Shaking my head once again, I say, "No." With that said, I go into my bedroom.

I turn on my laptop and see that I got an email. It's from someone I don't know. It doesn't have a subject or anything, all it has is a link. I know I shouldn't click on it, it could give me a virus or something, but for some reason I decide to go ahead anyway. I really wish I hadn't. Turns out my classmates aren't satisfied with just bullying me at school anymore. They made a website for anyone to post bad things about me. Anonymously of course. It's titled "Carmin Harley, Slut and Murderer. Let her know what you think of her right here!" Unsurprisingly, there are already hundreds of posts ranging from insults and mean jokes, to people telling me to turn myself in, and I even saw a few posts telling me to kill myself. By the number of posts everyone in my whole school, staff and lower grades included, could have posted more than once. I doubt that happened, but I'm just looking at the numbers here.

"Just what I needed. Now anyone can go on here and start insulting me. Like I didn't have enough to deal with already." Exiting the page and blocking the email address, I shut the laptop. Why can't they just leave me alone? Can't they find something better to do? Seriously, most of them would be stuck in 7th grade if it wasn't for me tutoring them. Just goes to show you that the people you thought you knew can turn on you faster than you can blink. I still have Ricca though. But, would she join in on the mocking if she knew? No, she doesn't seem like that kind of girl. Then again, I thought the very same thing about my classmates. Could she just be faking it? Is she only pretending to be my friend? Does she actually know about the bullying but doesn't care enough to do something about it? I don't know what to think anymore. It seems like I can't trust anyone anymore. Running a hand through my hair, I take another glance towards the bathroom.

"This is crazy." I walk over to the sink, and grab the razor. "I shouldn't do this. Only once, that's all." With a shaking hand, I place the blade against my skin. In a quick motion, the blade slices through the skin, and blood slowly wells to the surface. As I watch the blood run down into the sink, I actually do feel relief. It's like all the pain and bad memories are flowing out of my body. I hate to say it, but it actually feels good. The pain was quick, and really barely hurt after a few seconds. "No. Don't start thinking that Carmin. I will not make this a habit."

Oh what a lie that was.