My Jesus Journal

Let the Heavens Open

"Let the Heavens Open" Kari Jobe

You are welcome in this place

Welcome in our hearts

Come and have your way

God, meet us face to face

All consuming fire

Move without restraint

Breathe on us

Spirit, come

You're our heart's desire

We stand in the glory of the King

Knowing that You're here

You have set us free

You're here

Let our worship be Your throne

Amazed by who You are

Your Presence makes us whole

Breathe on us

Spirit, come

You're our heart's desire

Let the Heavens open

Let Your Kingdom move

All our faith and hope in

Our great God

On September 28th, 2014, my church had its first concert that I was involved in. I was looking back on that concert the other day, and I noticed how much I had changed since that concert. I was so excited for that concert, I was looking forward to being on stage, and I even invited people that I knew, which I don't normally do. After that concert, my anxiety got really bad. There were several concerts after that one, and I dreaded the idea of going back up on stage, even before the practices started. That anxious feeling consumed me, I wasn't on the right track, and I had gone astray...I wasn't trusting in God that he would fix me.

I got to the point where I realized that I couldn't keep doing this to myself; I needed to step away. I need to get back on track; I needed to work on my relationship with God. I wanted to be up on stage for the right reasons, not just because I felt like I had to. I talked to my pastor, his wife, and the girls who did the concerts with me. I told them that after the next concert that I would need a break so I could work on myself. If I kept getting up on stage that anxiety would continue to control me...I needed to step back and control it before it got worse.

But it wasn't just my anxiety that controlled me during that time, it was my doubt. I heard the other girls sing, I listened to famous people singing songs that I loved, and I thought to myself 'You'll never be as good as them.' I got really discouraged, and I didn't think that I was good enough to be up there, I wasn't the best, and my voice had flaws.

During my break, several people came up to me, and told me that they missed hearing me sing in church, they missed hearing the videos that I would post on facebook. I went to small group and discussed with the group that I had been discouraged because I wasn't as good as other people, and what one of them told me kind of made all of those negative feelings go away. She told me that a lot of times at church, people would get up and sing, and their voices would be flawless, but those weren't her favorites. She loved the singers who showed emotion in their songs, the ones who told a story, even if their voices weren't totally perfect for the whole song. She told me that I didn't need to be the best, because nobody is the best, there will always be better, but they don't matter. What matters is that we use the gifts that God has given us to reach those that realize that we have flaws, but they admire that gift anyway. God gave me this gift to share, this voice is not mine.

After some time, there was another concert in the making, and I agreed to be in it. I was still feeling anxious, but it was something that I was working on. I was getting closer to God, I was going to counseling, I was working on fixing it. My pastor's wife announced that I was going to be doing the opening song, and suddenly those anxious feelings were there again, overpowering. Every time the concert entered my mind, I would feel as though I was going to have an anxiety attack. I kept praying, kept practicing, kept working on ways to lessen that anxiety.

Yesterday was the day of the concert. We had dress rehearsal the same day because of how busy we had all been that previous week, and that didn't help my anxiety. I kept thinking that my voice would be too tired from singing all the songs in practice, and I was terrified that I would mess up at the concert. When it came time to show up for the concert, I felt like I was going to be sick. My whole body was consumed by anxiety, and I couldn't get myself to calm down. At 7:00, the band and I walked out onto the stage; the girls had to wait until my song was over to come out on stage. I was told to sit until my pastor announced the concert, and as I sat there, I closed my eyes. I prayed to God, that he would get rid of this anxious feeling that was overwhelming me. I knew when to come in, I knew the words, I knew how the song went...I could do it.

My pastor stopped talking, so I walked up to the mic. I looked over to my pastor's wife as I was about to start, and she nodded at me; my whole body was shaking. I sang the first verse, and then the chorus, and then I closed my eyes. I prayed again, I prayed that God was calm me, that he would rest his hand on me and help me to relax. I opened my eyes to sing the next verse, I looked at the crowd, and I felt peaceful. I felt like I was supposed to be up there. For the first time in what felt like forever, I was happy to be on stage. As the song ended, I felt tears in my eyes. That performance, which many people may have just seen as another one of my performances, was a big milestone for me. I closed my eyes again, and just thanked God for the gift that he gave me. I thanked him for calming me down, for being so SO good. I fought back tears as the next song started, because for once, I felt free. Knowing all that I've been through with my anxiety, I still get teary eyed thinking about this moment. I've felt anxious, every moment, for so many years, and to feel good for once...it's amazing. God is amazing.