My Jesus Journal

Hope Beyond The Suffering

"Glimmer In The Dust" Hillsong United

I was lost in a moment
A glimmer in time
Like a child chasing shadows
My back to the light
I was lost in a fog till You caught my eye
Through the smoke and the mirrors
A glimmer of life

I know there's a place I belong
Where I'll see the fullness of love
A child face to face with my God
Lost in Your awesome wonder
While I wait I will not be afraid
My faith will remain all the same
My hope in the things not yet seen
Found in the greatest of these

I found love in a moment
Exploding in light
At the cross where the curtains
Were ripped from my eyes
I found heaven in pieces
In glimmer and dust
Broken glass in reflection
Till we shine like the sun

I know there's a place I belong
Where I'll see the fullness of love
A child face to face with my God
Lost in Your awesome wonder
While I wait I will not be afraid
My faith will remain all the same
My hope in the things not yet seen
Found in the greatest of these

I know that You love me
I know that You love me
Your love never fails
Your love never fails

When all's said and done all that matters is love (I know that You love me)
So let love take over (I know that You love me)
Not just in part, but in all that You are (Your love never fails)
Let Your love take over (Your love never fails)

I was going through my Facebook friends a couple months ago, and I realized that the names of my friends who had deleted their Facebook accounts still showed up as I was scrolling through my friends list. The evidence of them once having an account was still there. I could still see their name; acknowledge that they were once friends with me on Facebook. Just because their account was deleted does not mean the pictures I had posted with them on my account were gone. Just because their account was deleted does not mean that I have deleted them from my life. The memories are still there, they just decided that Facebook wasn't what they wanted and for some reason they decided to get rid of their account.

I'm not writing this journal to go on and on about Facebook and how it works, that was simply the first part of my analogy in which Facebook represents life, pictures represent memories, and the deleting of the account represents suicide.

I have lost friends to suicide, several teens have committed suicide within the past few months in my state/area, I have had friends attempt suicide, and I have attempted suicide. This scares me. It scares me that so many people think that the only way to get out of a situation is to kill themselves.

I've mentioned in my previous journals that I struggled with anxiety and depression for many years. There were several nights that I got to the point that I thought that everything was over, I thought that all of my problems couldn't be fixed. I felt lost, abandoned, lonely, and confused.

Needless to say that none of my suicide attempts were successful.

I struggled with those thoughts for a really long time, and I was better for a while...but over the past few months, those thoughts have reappeared. I wouldn't dare to make another attempt, because I know that this is not my ending. What I mean is that those negative thoughts still try to take over my head sometimes, and sometimes they succeed in making me feel low. I've dealt with so much rejection and so many negative comments that still find a way of reappearing in my memory. Someone can say something in a way that they didn't even mean and I am suddenly taken on this emotional rollercoaster, remembering what people have done in the past. I let this control me. It controls the fact that I'm not always 100% myself around others because I'm afraid of what they'll say. It controls the way I view myself. It took me a long time to be confident, and just like that it was gone. It controls my relationships. I'm so terrified of having disagreements because I cling to the people in my life, so if somebody does something that bothers me I don't bring it up. I've lost so many people that I'm afraid of losing more. It controls my thoughts on life. Like I mentioned, I would never try to kill myself again, but sometimes the thought forms in my head "what would the world be like without me here?" I have found myself feeling so broken, so out of place, like I really don't belong anywhere.