My Jesus Journal

I Will Look Up

"I Will Look Up" Elevation Worship

All the worries of this world

I will lay them at Your feet

Surrender every anxious thought

For perfect peace, Your perfect peace

All the loved ones I hold dear

All my hopes and dreams and all my fears

I will choose to trust Your name

In everything, with everything

I will look up for there is none above You

I will bow down to tell You that I need You

Jesus Lord of all, Jesus Lord of all

I will take You at Your word

For Jesus You have taken hold of me

All my life is in Your hands

You are my strength, You are my strength

I will look up for there is none above You

I will bow down to tell You that I need You

Jesus Lord of all

I will look back and see that You are faithful

I look ahead believing You are able

Jesus Lord of all, Jesus Lord of all

Prince of Peace, Perfect Healer

All my life, all my cares on You

King of Kings, Mighty Savior

All my life, all my cares on You

I will look up for there is none above You

I will bow down to tell You that I need You

Jesus Lord of all

I will look back and see that You are faithful

I look ahead believing You are able

Jesus Lord of all, You're Jesus Lord of all

Our God is Jesus Lord of all, You're Jesus Lord of all

I honestly have so many things to say in this journal, but I've been struggling to really put them into words. I'm going to college tomorrow. For the past several years I was a part of a cyber school because being in that school atmosphere was too much for me. So, when I found out that I couldn't do college online, I freaked out...a lot. I was terrified to be around people again. I was afraid that I was going to make a fool out of myself. I was afraid of so many things.

Since enrolling in college, my life has changed a lot. I ended up going to an event that my college was having, and I found it pretty easy to talk to people, which is usually so unlike me. God putting that in my life, at that time, was what I really needed. For a while after that I was really looking forward to it. But, as college got closer, I got a little nervous. What if people made fun of me? What if I did something and everybody laughed at me? What if I was called on in class and I didn't know that answer? All of these 'what ifs' made their way through my thoughts...and then I heard this song.

"I will look back and see that You are faithful.

I look ahead believing you are able."

Those words changed my perspective. I was freaking out about what could happen in college, but I wasn't thinking about what God delivered me from in high school.

I switched out of public school half way through 10th grade, the mental and emotional state that I was in at the time I left just wasn't healthy. I was depressed, anxious, and I didn't think that things would get better...I didn't even want to give life the time to get better. I wanted life and all that pain to be over. As much as I wanted that, I just couldn't do it, and I knew that I wasn't meant to.

When I switched to cyber school I found myself with the wrong friends. Not that they were bad people, I still care about them, and I pray for them quite often, but they weren't the right people for me. I found that I was becoming somebody completely different. I was mean, miserable, my language was awful, and I was kind of mad at God for not taking my pain away. Why is it easy for us to blame God, when we weren't even trusting in him in the first place? If we aren't putting our trust in him, and believing that he has a plan then we don't have to right to be mad when things don't go our way. But, if we're putting our trust in God, then we should be HAPPY that things aren't going our way. God had a plan for my life; I just wasn't able to see it. I was blinded by all the negative emotions.

After several months of being with these friends, my mom decided that I needed something different. She made me join youth group. I had tried a youth group before, and let me tell you, I was NOT a fan. After fighting with her for several weeks, she finally got me to go...but I didn't go willingly. When we got there she had to fight with me to get out of the car. I didn't want to make new friends, I didn't want to get hurt by people that were just going to leave me. I had my wall built up...but this youth group was my wrecking ball. For several weeks I kind of stayed to myself, until one week a guy came up to me, talked to me for a couple minutes, and then went back to his friends. He's now one of my best friends. Over the next few weeks we became closer friends, and I became close with all of his friends. This place that I had once hated the thought of soon became my safe haven. I went almost every single week up until this past week, my last night there.

For a long time it was really difficult for me to accept that I was going to have to leave this place that I loved so much. I was going to have to leave my friends. Life was going to change a lot, and I wasn't prepared for that. But God had a plan.

One of the big reasons why I had to leave public school was because of my anxiety, which I have mentioned in other journals. I also posted the sermon that I shared with my church, and after giving that sermon, it became something that I enjoyed, I enjoyed sharing God's word with so many people at once. I noticed that the teens started to get closer to me, and a lot of them started to look up to me. That's when I realized that I really wanted to help out with leading youth group for my church, and for the church that my youth group is at. These things that I never wanted to be a part of, because of fear, are things that are helping me grow! They're things that make me so happy that it puts me in tears. These amazing people that I didn't want to get closer to, because I was afraid to get hurt, are the people who have become my best friends.

So, here I was, afraid for college, but then I really thought about it. God brought me through all those years. I'm not suffering with this pain anymore. He healed me of this pain in a much better way than I ever could have imagined. Sometimes we have to go outside of our comfort zones to really make a difference...in other peoples' lives and our own. My college years aren't going to last forever...so what if I make a fool of myself? So what if I don't always get the answers right? People aren't going to remember that. I have nothing to be afraid of because I KNOW that God is going to use me! I'm not afraid of what other people think because I don't need their approval. The only approval that any of us need is the approval of Jesus Christ, our forever friend. God is our healer, and he heals us and blesses us in ways that we never could have imagined. We may not see things ever getting better, but trust me, they will! These high school and college years are just a tiny portion of our lives. Trust in God's plan, that he will strengthen you.

When you're feeling down, look up! God goes before us, and he is above anybody in our lives. Bow down and let God know that you need him in order to get through the crazy obstacles that come our way. Look back at what God has already delivered you from, he can do anything. Look ahead, move forward, because God is going to guide the way. Everything that we experience can be used.

I'm praying for whoever does read this, and even those that don't read my journals...I pray that y'all will go into your schools and show God's love. I pray that as times are changing, and we need God more and more in this world, that we can all be examples of our Lord and Savior. Go, move forward, make a change, don't be afraid...God's got you in the palm of his hand.