Learning to love Again(A Sandra Alva Fanfiction)

Chapter 16

-2 Months Later-

I looked down at the pregnancy test and a small smile tugged at my lips. It was positive, it was a miracle. I flung my arms into the air and shouted.

"Sandra, Ashley, get in here"

They both came running into the bathroom and Sandra took the pee stick from my hand.

"Good god, she did it", She said before handing it to Ashley. He turned pale and then started crying. I had no idea what the hell was happening to him. Sandra seemed to know, and she rubbed his back while whispering comforting words into his ear. He stopped crying and they hugged each other tightly. Ashley took his hand in mine and whispered into my ear.

"i think its a girl, i can just feel it"

I disagree completely,"Mothers intuition, its a boy"

Ashley smiled and shaked his head and turned back to sandra.

"Thank you"

Sandra nodded and flashes him a quick smile before he walked out of the room. i smiled widely at sandra and notice that she, too is crying. I moved toward her and hugged her.

"Sandra baby, whats wrong"

"Its going to kill you, youre going to die", she whimpered, I looked at her sadly and thought about what we had done only a few days ago. We had gone shopping, but it was like any normal day of shopping and we weren't shopping for clothes. We were shopping for a casket and a gravestone and all of the flowers we would need. We planned to get a will as soon as possible, just in case. I felt her tears on my cheek. If worse came to worse I needed to know that she was taken care of. I had contacted her family and told them to call her and check p on her on while she was on tour, because I would probably be too busy making all of the preparations to call her that often. As my belly got larger, I would get weaker. There was always a chance that it would be the baby that killed me and not the cancer.

I tried to shake those thoughts out of my head and focus on this moment. I was pregnant. I should be happy, but now after thinking about it, all I felt was despair and anger. I wanted to be able to see my children grow up, and by having another baby, I was risking not being there for their second or third birthday. I broke the hug and smiled weakly at Sandra, who returned it half-heartedly. We exited the room to see Ashley sitting on our bed, looking down at his hands.

"I don't want it anymore", he said, shaking his head," what happens when... I cant take care of a baby"

I didn't want to tell him that I didn't want it either. It would most likely only upset him further. I wanted him to be happy, because maybe it would make me happier in  time. Maybe it would give me some hope. Maybe I wouldn't die, if only Ashley would be happy. My thoughts were ridiculous, I know, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried to blot it out of my mind, this baby wasn't as loved as my others. He or she would enter this world all innocent and could be to blame for my death.

"If I die, its my fault, not his", I said to them, forcing a smile across my lips. Their faces went pale and they stared at me with bug eyes. Sandra was covering her mouth and shaking her head and Ashley looked like he would keel over and hurl at any moment. I wanted desperately to reach out to them, to comfort them, but the attempt would be a futile effort.

"mine too", Ashley and Sandra said at the same time. They looked over at each other and tears started to form in both of their eyes. I could see the pain that I was causing them and it tore me up inside. I wanted to get away, but I was trapped by my fear. It was choking me, blinding me, punching me. It wouldn't let up, and I could feel the doubt lingering and growing in my mind. Soon, I would be consumed by that doubt. It would possess me, and I would be the empty shell I had been in high school, taken over by my depression, the scars on my arms a reminder of what a social outcast I was.

I felt my knees buckle beneath me and I crumbled to the floor. My throat was burning and I was gasping for air that I knew would never come. I could hear screams and I could see blurred figures rushing around me. I could feel people trying to pick me up. I could taste the metallic taste of blood in my mouth, and see the crimson that was staining the carpet. I could feel the tears sliding down my face as I struggled to breathe. Black dots clouded my vision and I was floating in darkness.