The Metaphysicist (Kill Your Darlings) | Featured

lmao they high af

"Lucien, this is fucking terrifying."

Being tens upon tens of feet in the air is certainly a thrill of the perverse kind, but increasing that altitude is even worse, because you can feel yourself drifting away from humanity, and sometimes that's what I wish to do, but floating higher only reminds me of heaven, and I know I'm not allowed in there and will never be after all of the sacrilegious text I've spewed from my fingers.

And there's no use in attempting to depart from the ride, as we're already cycling through the air around and around again, and Lucien is so stubborn that he would probably pin me to the chair until my muscles tensing would erase my memory of ever desiring to leave. It's becoming hazy if Lucien is here to repent or if he's here to have a good time, for he will not listen to me, the person to whom this penance is directed, and it's not that he's indifferent towards me, rather that he's shoving me into this contraption of doom and untrustworthy science.

I've never been the science guy, but I at least understand it well enough to understand other things in the world, and I understand that this Ferris wheel should be fully operational. However, there are always accidents, and I could be tragically involved in one of them, and I don't have insurance after spending ten months in a fucking basement where the only reason I would get hurt would be if I tripped over something in the dark when I was supposed to be sleeping and hiding from Edie's motherly guard.

I've expressed to Lucien that I abhor Ferris wheels, yet he still does not listen to my warning. He's not in danger, per se, but I am, and all I require is to be off of this rotisserie of doom. On the contrary, Lucien is too intractable for an allowance of that, so I'm stuck here with the spiteful thoughts about how Lucien is supposed to be my friend who would do anything for me, about how Lucien is nevertheless the kind of man who would neglect the pleas of others just to broaden their life as if that's what they want, when really all they need is what they have or what's just out of their reach, things that Lucien could deftly acquire for them, and that would be it. But no, he's so engrossed with trying to chart the expanse of life, and he'll die in that ordeal while I'll be safely in the basement waiting for him to return but knowing that he never will, because he does this spontaneity shit to himself, and he will address the repercussions when he's tipping out of the chair of a Ferris wheel like he'll be doing pretty soon when I begin to struggle.

Lucien huffs out a smile accompanied by his hands clasping mine as if we're intimate with each other, as if I'm not panicking to the maximum on this godforsaken ride. "That's the point of life. I already told you this, Allen."

The problem with Lucien is that he acts as though he's never encountered roadblocks before, yet he also acts as though he knows them better than anyone else, but where are his trenches? In the past? How do you suck the marrow from your past when that's something writers choose to discard because not even a horror story could capture its potency?

"You must've been scared of something before. You're not excluded."

"Actually, I have been scared of things, and I still am scared of things, but do you see me trembling at them now?" Lucien negates, the kind of motivational speaker we all want to tell to shut up because they know nothing of pain and never will, because their words are dripping with fallacy, because they're sharing their inspirational stories with the smoke screen of deception fogging it up not to them but to the audience in the most obvious of manners.

"Tell me what you were previously scared of, Lucien, and I'll try to cross my own battlefields into victory." I know he won't be able to name one, because Lucien Carr has never been afraid of anything, according to his fiery persona, and that fiery persona will block his fears in his memories even if he does, in fact, retain ones of being scared of something, and Lucien will therefore have to confess that he is a lying con man who knows nothing more than deceit.