Worst One Direction Fanfic On Wattpad!

The obligatory Directioner army

I sighed as I got up the next morning, before my baby popped out of me. Oh yes, I forgot to mention - here on wattpad, the actual pregnancy isn't described. It's just sort of skipped past and there's no description of swollen feet, back aches, cramps and mood swings. It's just 'I was so happy that Harry and I were finally becoming a couple' and then the baby comes out - apparently that didn't hurt either - and then they all live happily ever after.

but not on the worst one direction fanfic on wattpad

oh no, here on this fanfic, we like to have realistic storylines.

"So Harold, what is the latest goss? Come on, dish it out!" I told him, as I sat down with him next to my baby, whilst balancing the adoption papers in the other hand. Apparently my baby wasn't important enough for me to keep. Since he/she would be a complication - i'd failed to mention the gender of the baby cause, you know, gotta focus on the important things here. Like how curly Harry's hair is - so I decided to get rid of him/her. Quite casually.

"Not much, some bitch called Paige used me, is all" he told me. Ah yes, here comes the obligatory fanfiction author who attempts to use real-life events and writes about them in their fanfics, to express their unwanted opinion on the subject. Usually these 'events' consist of one of the boys getting close to another girl, after which the author will display their deep dissatisfaction with the girl, by painting her as an evil wanton-prostitute/part-time McDonald's employee. Because those two are really similar to each other in terms of degradation, apparently. 

"What has that slut done to you?" I asked, already knowing that she has completely ruined my man purely based on the fact that she is another human being with a pair of tits and a vagina. Apparently I hate every single person that fulfills the aforementioned criteria. So basically every woman on the planet. And the occassional man. But we're not gonna get into that right now. Maybe in another fanfic? I might title it: Harry Styles and the secret Transsexual.

"She used me, Bonquisha, she used me! So did her friends! And they all lied to me! They're so cruel and now all my fans are defending me as if I'm a little child who doesn't understand how to protect myself, even though I'm actually a grown man who makes his own choices." 

"Oh but Harry, don't you see that we only call her an evil mistress of the devil because we care about you? Regardless of the fact that we know nothing about the story, aside from what the media have fed us - and let's face it, the media isn't the most factual source." I reasoned

"Are you agreeing with me or disagreeing with me?"

"You figure it out. I'm being mysterious."

"Why? It's annoying."

"No, it's sexy."

"No, It's annoying"

"Oh shut up, teen dad"

"You're one to talk, teen almost-mum-but-you-gave-the-baby-up-for-adoption-because-you-thought-that-would-make-me-want-you-but-i-still-don't-lol"

"You're so mean to me all the time Harry. You make sense. You're practical. You're reasonable. Why are you being this way? Why won't you just accept the fact that my life is one sex tape away from being a replica of the disaster known to mankind as Kim Kardashian?!"

"I mean I could help you with the sex tape if you-" Harry trailed off as he saw the death glare that I was throwing at him. Apparently people throw glares at others, in fanfics. I'd like to know how they do that, personally. I'd like to throw a few glares, myself. I thought you just had a glare on your face, not that you go around throwing them at people like a random happy slapper.

"Yeah this story is getting weird again, so I'm just gonna leave now" 

"No you can't just leave when the story's getting good, Harry! Zayn is just about to come into the story and we're about to have a fourway with me, him, his mirror and his hair products!" I complained

"Yeah... um... sorry, I... I have to go for dinner... my mum's... making spaghetti, so..." 

"Your mum lives in England, Harry. We're currently in America. Eleven hours away" 

"Yeah, well, I mean... if you count the time difference and the uh... position of the Earth in accordance to the sun and the um... add the rate of reflux and divide by the mass of the sun you get.. you get dinner time" he told me, before running out of the door. Well that seemed legitamate.

"So Zayn" I put on a husky voice - because dogs are all the rage these days - as I tried to lure him into my underwear like a sexual predator - because, like i said, dogs are such an aphrodisiac.

"Yeah?" he asked, running his fingers through his oblong locks. (lol wut)

"Come to me" i whispered, before flopping onto the bed in what i assumed to be a sexy position. I mean I was currently sitting on the bed like a mentally challenged ostrich but... it seemed sexy to my underdeveloped mind.

"Mmm k let's get this over with quickly, I can't leave my mirrors behind for too long. They get lonely when there's no-one in them for them to admire." Zayn responded, before climbing onto the bed.

"Well I get lonely when there's no-one in me for me to admire" I replied, before ripping off his shirt. Because in fanfics, that's so easy to do, apparently. 

We continued to do the humping thing that people tend to do in every single chapter of every single fanifc, before he flopped next to me.

Zayn sighed and I smiled, knowing that men get all lovey-dovey after sex. I was waiting for him to cuddle up to me and tell me he loved me. He smiled as he looked at me dreamily, but it was almost as if he was looking straight past me.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked, seeing the love-sick look on his face.

"I miss my mirrors" he whispered dreamily, clutching his heart as he reminisced about all the good times. I scowled at him.

"You self absorbed twat, get out of my story!" I snapped.

But I did not get to snap at him much longer, for an army of crazed teenage girls claiming to be Zayn Malik fans burst in through my window, tied me onto a wooden pole and took me to their camp fire - in which they continued to taunt me and prod at me with long beampoles, whilst chanting unknown tribal language, and marching around me whilst wearing grass skirts.

"You do not speak badly of our God!" One of the girls spoke up, glaring at me whilst her three chins wobbled dangerously underneath her. I wasn't sure whether they were chins or boobs. I'm going with chins. 

I was sure though, underneath those mounds of chins, i was certain that she would indeed be equipped with saggy tits also.

"I just.."

"YOU DON'T TOUCH HIM EITHER. HE'S OURS. OURS. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD A FOURSOME WITH HIM AND HIS HAIR PRODUCTS. I WAS MEANT TO TAKE HIS HAIR PRODUCT'S VIRGINITY!" another girl screamed

"...I was gentle, I promise! I'm sure his hair products didn't feel a thing! Don't worry, I respected their feelings, and if they asked me to stop, I would have! I made sure they were ok!" I responded. The girls watched me for a while

"Well I guess that's reasonable" Three-chins replied, before untying me from the wooden pole and setting me free, so that I could run wild into the night and do whatever it is that 12 year old girls do at night-time...

...So Tumblr

Probably Tumblr.

I hope you enjoyed this. I was feeling kinda pissed and decided to take my anger out by writing - as per usual - :P So I'll talk to you later. Remember to vote, comment and add this story to your reading lists!

Chapter Challenge: This story is at 9,000 reads now, so get it to 9,500 and I will update a new chapter :)