Jobi the poop

11 ((Heaven is real...?))

Jobi opened his eyes, and nearly screeched when he noticed he was on a cloud in the sky. "OH MY GOD, HOW DID I GET HERE?! WHAT?!" He breathed in and out, and calmed down. "The last thing I remember is...is George W Bush crashing my jet into Trump Tower...am I dead? Is this heaven?"

"Yes," a voice said softly behind him. He turned around and gasped at the sight of his ex-ex girlfriend, the one he dated in eighth grade. "Hello, Jobi, it's been a very long time since I last saw you. I've missed you very much."

"Poopalina?" he asked in both awe and horror at the same time. "Is that really you?"

"Yes, it is, Jobi, and I am an angel now." 

*FLASHBACK TO 2008*

Jobi and Poopalina were at the park, strolling along together. They were looking into each other's eyes. They were so entranced with each other that they didn't notice the Tumblr feminist sneak up behind Poopalina and screech "YOU'RE SEXIST!" into her ear. Obviously, Poopalina notched when she screamed. She jumped up in shock and turned to her, along with Jobi.

"What are you even talking about?" she asked her. "It's, what, 2008? Does Tumblr even exist yet?" 

"Um, yeah, it was created in February 2007," she responded. "And if it didn't exist, how would I even be here talking about it? Duh. Anyways, you're sexist because I identify as a polka-dotted piece of poop, and you being a piece of poop and looking so ugly and bland is sexist to me. It belittles all of us who truly ARE poop."

"Are you serious?" Poopalina asked. "I'm not ugly. Right? Tell 'er, Jobi!" When he said nothing, she whispered, "I'll give you $25 if you defend me."

"I, uh. She isn't ugly. She is the love of my life! And she literally is a piece of poop. You are not." 

She sighed. "You had your chance, girl." She let out a loud screech, and suddenly, there they all were in the trees: modern day Tumblr femenists. EVERYWHERE. 

"OH MY GOD I AM NOT READY FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH JUST YET!" Poopalina screamed. 

"It's too late. Goodbye, poser." She turned to her fellow femenists. "ATTACK!" 

They all jumped out of the trees and ran towards both Poopalina and Jobi, who looked around in horror. "SEXIST!" they screamed at Poopalina. "DIE, CIS SCUM!" they yelled at Jobi. 

Poopalina fell to the floor, and looked to Jobi. "It was nice knowing you, babe. I knew that I would end up dying sooner or later because I'm dating an idiot like you, but...I left you something. It's in my safe. The code is...it's the address of Richnesses' human form...goodbye, sweet Jobi." She died.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Jobi screamed, sobbing. He then turned around and screamed, "I AM POOP!  CISGENDER STRAIGHT POOP!" 

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" they screamed in fear, running away, horrified and traumatized, leaving Jobi, crying hysterically, on his own.