Are We Out Of The Woods Yet?(A Taylor Swift Adoption Story)

Clocks and Rampant thoughts

Amara's POV:

Have you ever sat down and really watched a clock? I'm not talking about just glancing at it every few minutes; but full on sitting down in front of it and watching the seconds tick by. 60 ticks till the big hand changes and 60 big hand ticks until the little hand changes. Every tick is time you will never get back. Ever. Once that tick happens, the time period is a moment that will never be repeated again.

When Cinderella finally finished last night and Taylor fell asleep, that's what I did. I watched the clock. It wasn't by choice that I was staring at the clock. I more than anything wanted to curl up next to Taylor and sleep, but I couldn't .

Thoughts, red hot rapid thoughts kept flowing through my brain taking all the serenity and calmness of my mind with them. By three am I was still staring at the clock in exactly the same position as three hours before. I'm sure that everyone at some point in their lives have covered their eyes super tight in hopes that the thing they dreaded right in front of them disappeared, and that's the reason I was looking at the clock.

I didn't want to face the thoughts that came with being alone in the middle of the night. The rampant anger as you realize the CIA has your family member in custody, the unbearable sadness when you realize that this brief moment of tranquility and happiness with Taylor will soon be a distant memory, and worst of all, there's the overwhelming fear of all the uncertainty which has become ever so present in my life.

Watching Cinderella snuggled up to Taylor made me feel important, and as soon as I started to feel "on top of the world", I was immediately dragged down by reality. Taylor fell asleep, the movie ended, time passed on, and there I was.. alone again. Just like the days spent with Safa and Ahkmed, my mother, and Old Syria, I will never get back that time period and all I have to hold onto is a tangible happy memory of the past.

As I sit at the computer, it's morning and I'm trying to put my emotions into words for Google. I need to figure out how to get my thoughts to slow down before I head into another sleepless night. I didn't sleep at all last night. Not even for an hour, I just stared at the clock.

For as long as I can remember, google has been my number one source for answers. Every question ever asked can be answered in a matter of seconds if the wording is right. I finally settle on typing "cure for insomnia" and google fires back with rapid results ranging from sleeping pills to therapy. I have none of those things in my possession, and for once in my life, I'm at a loss for thought. Leaning back in the computer chair my mind immediately goes to Taylor and for a fraction of a second I'm tempted to tell her about my lack of sleep and get her opinion.

Amara! what the heck do you think you're doing.

I sit upright quickly and run a hand through my hair. I can't believe my mind just went there. One thing everyone needs to learn in life is at the end of the day, it's only you. Only you know whats best for you and what you need to do.

We often overestimate the tangibility of human life and relationships.

We fail to realize that someone who is there one day can easily be gone the next, but you will always have yourself.

Putting trust in someone else is trusting them with something very very valuable. Once someone has control over your thoughts, they have control over you... I am never going to let that happen ever. Turning my attention to google once again I try another phrase: "How can you sleep fast" and google doesn't disappoint. I am smart to realize that trusting someone wholeheartedly is dangerously stupid aren't I? Then why is my heart hoping that Taylor will bust through the door any second with a hug and advice? what in the world is wrong with me...