Misconceptions

missing you

She missed him. She missed him so much.

He was her air and it was all sucked out of her the second he left. Her lungs gasped for the air she no longer had, leaving her breathless. Heart beating so fast, yet so slowly, as her lungs drowned in an ocean of emptiness.

She lay on the ground with her hand over her chest, hoping the thought of him would be the one thing to keep her heart beating. After all, the thought of him had always had the ability to make it beat slightly faster. She let out a bitter laugh as she let the irony sink in. He was the reason she was dying and yet the thought of him keeping her alive. It was miserably tragic.

Her chest tightened as all the memories of them flashed through her mind, her eyes shutting harshly and tears rolling down her flushed cheeks. Her memories seemed like old photographs of him and her. Remembering all the good times they'd shared no longer brought her joy but just a nostalgic, sad feeling. She really needed to stop reminiscing. But she couldn't. She was incapable of forgetting something like that so quickly. She couldn't get the thought of the boy with that pair of pretty orbs of out her head.

She once loved that gorgeous pair of hazel eyes. They always seemed to look at her with adoration. And that smile. Goodness, that smile. It shook her world. Never did she think it was possible to feel the things he made her feel. She could never fathom the thought. Now, her blood just boiled at the thought of it all.

The eyes that once adored her now looked at her with emptiness and abandon, not a hint of shame held inside them. Somehow, the spark in them had dulled. And the same mouth that once smiled and fed sweet words to her soul now spoke nothing, crushing her instead. All she could remember were his last heartless words and now, only silence was to be found between them two. Yet, there she was, crying on the floor with a heartache that could kill, because she missed him.

"How more pathetic could it get?" She thought, as she bit her trembling lip. He didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve to be lingering in her mind, and he was certainly not worth her tears. He wasn't worthy of her love, for she had given him all she could give and it wasn't enough for him.

She had spent countless nights being there for him, countless hours on the phone listening to his struggles and pains and not once did she ever judge him. She was the only one who never left his side, despite the fact she knew his darkest deepest secrets, his flaws and imperfections, and the way his mind worked. She understood him. And even when she didn't, she would do whatever it was to try and make it feel better. But he taught her a bandaid wasn't enough to mend a broken heart.

And he was a mess. His life was a hurricane and hers was a flowery field. He was a dark dangerous storm and she was the summer breeze.

But she had found the colors living inside him when everyone else who crossed his path simply ran away, being too scared to get lost in his darkness.

Nothing about them seemed quite right, and in the universe's eyes, they were bound to crumble down at some point. He was too fragile and torn, and once he was completely destroyed, she would crumble down with him. She knew this. And even then, she offered to build him back up. She never hesitated to tell him she would always be there. And she thought he cared. She thought he was grateful for her.

But as she lay there on the ground, realization struck her. Not once did she ever get a thank you. He never cared. She was never special to him. He didn't know how to love. He had never been loved, and the second she crossed his path, he had no idea how to handle the calm in such a disastrous world like the one he was a part of.

He knew she was different. He knew she was one of a kind, and he didn't know how to handle new things. So he pushed it away and let it go, feeling free at first and then feeling remorse hit him when he realized that although it was still dark when she was there, he preferred sitting in the darkness with her rather than all alone.

She couldn't wrap her mind around this, but then again, he had always had a very complex mind. She had been lucky to even get past those walls he built up for people. She had gotten too close and that had made him more vulnerable. She knew he was scared of the truth, and for this reason, built his walls back up—keeping her out of them this time.

It struck her how deep she'd fallen. She knew him so well she couldn't bring herself to hate him. She knew he was just a dumb boy who didn't know how to love. He needed love instead, and all she could feel was pity for him. She hated how sorry she felt for him, but she couldn't help it. It pained her to see him change into something she didn't recognize anymore. It hurt her so deeply seeing him hurt.

All the choices he'd make, all the people he'd pushed away, just because of the pride that overcame the pain within him. She wished she could help. She wished she could mend his heart and put all his broken pieces back together. She wanted to yell at all the things that made him that way; that made him hurt.

Yet, he didn't want her help. He wanted to continue living with the pain all alone. He wanted to keep smoking his cigarettes as he watched the sunset, drowning in his thoughts as well as his puddle of self-pity.

So she finally regained her composure, wiping her salty tears away, and stood back up. He didn't want her anymore, and she wanted to keep the only thing she had left: her dignity.

She knew she would let a couple of months pass, the thought of him only popping up every once in a while, simply clouding in the back of her mind. Until one night, when she would feel herself sadden again because she missed the old him and his voice. 

She knew she shouldn't, but she was human. As much as she hated it,

She simply missed him.