Misconceptions

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(n.) Saudade: nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or has been loved then lost; "the love that remains.

(n.) Forelsket: the euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.

(n.) Peripeteia: a sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances; the point of no return.

(n.) Redamancy: the act of loving in return.

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As I stare at the wall in the dark, I realize saudade has taken over every thought that goes through my mind.  When I look at him, I forget about you, but then I'm reminded that when he looks at me, he only thinks about her. So I have not allowed myself to ever fall for him. Because when his eyes meet mine, they lack the redamancy that I long for so badly.

And that's when I think of you again. I look around me and I find love everywhere. I find it at the park, on the city streets, in movies, but never with me. Because you're never with me. Not anymore. I don't think you will be ever again.

It's such a shame. Mostly because I can never quite figure out why things ended the way they did. We deserved better than that. You didn't deserve to end up drowning in your pity and your problems all alone, or at all. And I didn't deserve to end up here, in the dark, wishing nothing had ever changed and finding it so hard to move on from something that simply does not exist anymore.

You know, somebody once told me what happened to us is what you call peripeteia. I had no idea what that meant, so, of course, being the curious person that I am, I had to find out what it meant. The second my eyes read that sickening definition, I regretted ever letting curiosity get the best of me.

And the more I thought of that, the more I hated curiosity. Because an epiphany fell upon me and showed me that's how I fell for you in the first place. I wondered what the real you was all about. I had always been the type of person to try and get past people's surfaces, always wanting to know who they really were. But with you—not only did I unravel you, I discovered what forelsket was. Everything with you was such a vagary. So spontaneous and thrilling. Your love was my adrenaline, and I miss it. The adrenaline, I mean—not your love.

Or maybe I do. Maybe I just miss your love, not you.

But who can blame me?

It was the greatest thing I've ever known in my short, boring life. You made it all so much more exciting. Whether it was a simple good morning text to start off my day with a wide grin on my face, or you dragging me along to the forest where we'd find an old trampoline and jump there until we were so out of breath that we had to lie down. And as we lay there, we'd stare up at the sky that only had a few stars because the light pollution had taken the pleasure in stealing most of them, and you would talk me about your dream to one day travel to the most deserted place on this planet just so we could watch the starriest sky we'd ever seen, together.

But now I have no one to do that with, so maybe the truth is I just wish things would've never ended like this because now we're both lonely and left with all these broken promises and abandoned dreams that could've been so great if only the universe would've been on our side.