The Silent Storm

"i miss being in your arms."

When Zain broke up with me all those years ago, I did the only thing I was good at: I ran. I left. I skipped graduation and went to stay with my older cousin and her fiancé, at the time, in Chicago. I stayed there for a while before moving back to New York to stay with my aunt. I skipped the first semester of college and went to a community college. I transferred out and went to the state university at Albany.

And from there, I worked twice as hard as I ever did. I worked and studied for my own sake. Back in high school, Zain was my motivation and motivator. But now, I was my own motivation. I did everything for myself.

I pulled myself out of the shell and stepped out of my comfort zone. I didn't make a lot of friends, but I still had people to hang out with and get the occasional coffee with. I was a totally new person living on my own after I transferred. But no matter how sociable I tried to be, I couldn't change myself. I still cried myself to sleep every night. I still had the urge to hurt myself. I still didn't think I deserve to live. My thoughts consumed my mind frequently, especially when I was home alone. It drained me emotionally and physically.

No matter how hard I tried to change, I couldn't.

A huge part of me -- the insane part -- wanted to bring up the night we broke up. I wanted to hear the full story. I wanted to know the reason why he left me. But I couldn't do it. I was never the first to confront people.

But I knew, eventually, it would come up. Whether it was during the train ride or not, I didn't know.
"Penny for your thoughts?" I looked up into his cyan grey irises and smiled. We were back in our seats now. The train was still unmoving. Some of the other passengers stayed in their cabins while others went to the mini cafe to socialize.

"Just thinking about how much longer the storms gonna last," I lied.

Zain titled his head to the side to look out the window. My breath caught in my throat as I realized how close his face was to mine. How close his lips were... "From the looks of it," he mused, "it's gonna be a while. I don't think it's gonna calm down anytime soon."

"Mhm," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks warm as I thought about how good it would feel to kiss him.

When he sat back up, it was easier for me to breathe. I felt so stupid that I let him have such an effect over me after everything. The only effect I should be having over him is pure hatred. But instead, I feel the complete opposite.

"We might as well catch some sleep. God knows how long this will last," he murmured, stretching his legs out in front of him. The train was quiet except for the whistling of the wind outside and the occasional creak.

"I'm not that sleepy but you go ahead," I replied.

Zain furrowed his eyebrows, instinctively moving closer to me as he shuffled in his seat. "Are you still having nightmares?"

I shook my head, moving closer to him. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I leaned against him. He kissed the top of my head and I sighed contentedly. "I don't have them frequently. I don't even remember the last time I had one."

"You know," he mused, "I remember -- when you used to live with me -- whenever you were having a nightmare, you'd wrap your arms around me. I'd always talk to you in your sleep and if it got worse, I'd wake you up."

"You always protected me," I murmured softly.

"I wanted to protect you. I loved you, Aisha."

"What happened to us, Zain?" I whispered, feeling my eyes sting.

Zain let out a jagged breath. "You deserve the truth Aisha. I didn't tell you then because you wouldn't let me go."

I pulled away, looking at him. "You wanted me to leave you?"

"No, that's not what I meant," he said quickly. "It's just that..." He paused, staring at me.

He leaned closer, cupping my cheek. I froze. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than for him to just kiss me. I wanted to forget everything. I wanted him to make me forget everything. I wanted him more than ever.

Zain leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead. I closed my eyes as his lips trailed down to the tip of my nose. His lips grazed against mine. I leaned in, closing the distance.

His lips were soft, and he tasted faintly like coffee. I sighed into the kiss, tangling my fingers in his hair. His lips moved against mine slowly but gradually went faster. My fingers were trembling in his hair and I felt overwhelmed. But I wanted nothing more than Zain. His hand trailed down my body and gripped my waist, pulling me on top of him so I was straddling him.

"Aisha," he murmured softly, slipping his fingers underneath my shirt.

"Zain," I whispered, kissing down his neck. He groaned again, tossing his head back. I trailed kisses across his jaw, tugging his hair at the nape of his neck.

Zain was my drug and I was addicted.

He pulled me back slowly, the both of us panting. My cheeks warmed and I quickly stumbled out of his lap onto my seat. "I'm so-"

"Don't," he cut me off. "I didn't pull you away for the reason you think. I pulled away because before we go any further, I need to tell you the truth. The whole truth."

I nodded slowly, letting out a deep breath. "Okay. Tell me."