My Journal

Sorry...

It is now 5/26/16. The last day of school, a Thursday. I am in a Advisory "party..." The other advisories had food and games, we just have another day of free computer time, and nothing else.

In the time I've been gone, I've had my last choir concert(s, there's 2), my last orchestra concert, a World's of Fun field trip, 8th grade graduation, and I have cried at least 5 times.

On the WOF trip, I had an anxiety attack(again, not diagnosed, but every day more sure that I have anxiety and need to get help) on the way up The Mamba(just nervous at first, but then started to get clammy and unreasonable breathing). At least I didn't scream on it. I wasn't allowed to, as at night, I had a choir concert and we couldn't lose our voices. I managed not to cry until I was walking away and off after the ride. Then I cried in the bathrooms after The Boomerang. They were fun, but my anxiety attack kind of ruined some of the joy.

When I finally got over it all, I decided to go on the train ride tour, because maybe something a bit more calm is what I needed.

But, of course, that went horribly wrong as well.

My two friends and I wanted to sit in the back caboose car of the train, to watch the tracks disappear(and it's always the best place to sit). When we got there though, it was taken by about 20 man, in age AND numbers.

So we chose to just move to the second to last car, the one right in front of them.

That's when they started catcalling us.

The first, Shy, just kind of looked sad and asked if we should move to the front to escape.

The second friend, Chip, was confused and felt dirty, as she hadn't even heard of catcalling before.

I was angry and tired. I told them to fuck off. It didn't work, just made it worse. Eventually, when all three of us were on the brink of tears(we didn't tell each other, but it was obvious), we finally left for the front. The whooped and called as we did, and all three of, is UNISON, began to run.

When we reached the front, we were a bit out of breath, but told one of the conductors.

He sat with them at the back to ensure they wouldn't follow us, or bother anyone else.

Nevertheless, when we got off, they saw us leave, and continued to jeer.

We left the train tour platform as fast as we could.

I managed not to cry until I met up with 3 more of my friends in another ride.

Shy just kept an eye out for Chip.

And Chip looked kind of dazed, and disappointed. She kept going on about how we were 14, and she was 13, shouldn't have to run, shouldn't even know what catcalling is, shouldn't have to be scared...

It was how I felt about it for the next week. I'm tired of sexual assault, and catcalling, and the "dominance."

When we found a group of teachers from our school sitting at a table together, we told them what happened.

But because they weren't part of any school, and didn't physically hurt us, nothing could be done.

I don't think WOF would have made them leave, even though they seemed drunk as well.

And I might be paranoid, but when the conductor left the back car when we got off, and they catcalled us for the last time, I looked back. And I thought I saw him smirk.

It didn't help that when I told my mom, all she said was, in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

No. That's what the teachers said too. Don't be sorry for me, be sorry for society. Be sorry for the fact that assholes like that not only exist, but are the majority of people out there. Be sorry that Chip and Shy had no experience with it, that they had to be dragged into realization that the world is shit. Be sorry for those men, who have never been told it's not okay to treat women as objects, pleasure, not human. No emotion. Never really angry. Not without a period to be on. Just hangry. If they don't say no, it's okay. If they do, they're just confused, don't mean it. If they say yes, they're a whore.