Can You Not: A Series Of Poems Written From Memories Of A Semi Hurtful Past

Take it Out on Me

I like the arguing
I like the yelling
I like the anger
I like the crying
I like staying up til the early hours of the morning
Going over every ugly word said
Dwelling on the past
Helps me focus on right now
It reminds me
Not to make the same mistakes
Because the fighting wasn't enough
There was never that yelling that I craved
So after all
I guess you weren't enough

But saying you weren't enough would be a lie
Because you made me feel complete
So how could it be true
Saying someone wasn't enough
When they made you feel whole

The only way they could possibly not be enough
Is if your expectations go way past the limit that you know they're capable of fulfilling

The only way you can believe
That they could never be enough
Is by putting the picture of a perfect person in your mind
And believing that you couldn't live with yourself
If you settled for less than what that picture is
When you know damn well that that picture perfect person
Could never truly be capable
Of making you feel whole
Like he did

You know that that picture perfect image that you create in your mind
Could never fill the hole in your chest
that seems to be growing by the minute
Optimism
And happiness
Seem to be the enemies of my heart

Because when I think of the happy times
I wish there was more arguing
I wish that we would just yell
I wish that we would have gotten so mad at each other
That we could go days without speaking
And just apologize when we both came to our senses
No matter how stubborn we were
We would always apologize
Even when neither of us thought it was our fault
We would just fucking apologize
We'd never talk about anything
We would just fucking apologize
It would make things so much easier
Knowing that the anger there
Would have been too much for us to keep up with
Until it snapped in half
And we both broke

I wanted you to yell
I wanted you to be truly angry
I wanted you to scare me
Even though I was always scared
I wanted you to really scare me

Because I love arguing
I love yelling
I love the anger
I love the crying

But maybe that's just because
I'm basically my mother
But I can't help the things that make me feel alive
Even though your subtleness
And softness
Made me feel just as alive

I don't think
That the tenderness and sweetness
Would ever not be enough

But who knows what it could have been

All we know
Is what it was.