Can You Not: A Series Of Poems Written From Memories Of A Semi Hurtful Past

The Previous Part, But Part 2

I hate the way I looked at the world
As a desolate shit hole and waste of time
I hate how I've lost the will to fight for the things I want
Because I know even when I finally win
I'm not actually winning
I hate how I feel guilty
Even when things are out of my control
I hate how when I feel happy
I think of something that drags me back down from that 5 second high
I hate that writing this right now
Makes me feel better
And I don't know why
I hate that sometimes I really like a pop song and those around me tell me I can't because it isn't my
Genre
It dont look like I should enjoy that
So I shouldn't
I hate that when I wake up in the morning
I think of a list of ways
To make myself happier
And then I only follow through with half of them
I hate how I know I can force myself to try and be happy
But I can never be the same as I once was before
I hate that I know that if I take the meds the doctor prescribed
The nightmares will get better
But I don't because I hate the doctors and their fucking pills
I hate that I know how I can get better
But it never worked before this
So why should it now
I hate that Im fully capable of forgetting you
But I refuse to even try to anymore
I hate that Im always tired
Even when I get more than 2 hours of sleep
I hate that I always feel like I'm running away from something
Though I never move
I hate that my heart drops
When I think of the trees
Because for some reason
Only God knows why
They remind me of you
I hate that I can't sing well
When I think I can
I hate that Im not that great with music in general
Because I really love it
I hate that Im not really good at anything anymore
Except for crying and writing school papers
I hate that Im only good at crying and school papers
I hate the fact that every time I stand up
Every single bone in my body
Seems to crack and twist
Seriously
I'm not 76 stop doing that shit
I hate the fact that I write these stupid poems
Because they don't feel right
But at the same time
They feel perfect
I hate the fact that I can't get angry at some people when I should shake them and scream
I hate the fact that I hate almost everything
And once again
As I said before
The only thing I hate more
Than not being able to hate some people
Is that I hate myself most of all
For everything I am
Very deeply
Very truly
Very passionately
I hate myself.