Bruised and Scarred.

Fix You

Do you know the odds of finding your mother after 18 years? Slim to none, right? Well my chances made it onto the slim part of the scale. I mean I put no thought into finding her and yet I’m standing in front of her at 5 in the morning in the middle of nowhere, New York. Most reactions would fall along the lines of “Oh my god by some random chance I am now standing in front of the woman who carried me for nine months and birthed me into this cold, hard, and cruel world.” Sometimes I wonder if I am emotionless at the time where I should be on the floor bawling, because that sounds about right at this moment.

After five minutes of standing there, staring blankly at her I felt someone come up behind me and wrap an arm around my waist. “You must be Niall. I’m Karen” she said warmly, offering a small smile and a hand shake. He accepted the greeting and asked, “What?” when I mumbled, “Also my mother” One by one the rest of the guys dragged their sleepy bodies out of the car and introduced themselves. “Well, I see it’s a little early for you guys, but I have some tea ready in the house!” We followed her in; looking much like zombie’s and settled down in the small living room.

We made small talk as one by one they made their way to a bedroom to finish on their beauty sleep. All until it was just me. I was sat at the kitchen table while she washed the tea cups and said, “You know it wasn’t my decision to leave you?”

“Really?”

“Ok, it slightly was, but I had no other choice”

“Enlighten me”

“Well if it weren’t for your father you wouldn’t even be here in more ways than one. I was planning on getting an abortion because the age we were at was too young to handle a child, but he said to keep you and that he’ll do anything. By the time you were born we were sailing rough waters and things weren’t about to go down smoothly. So I packed our things and was ready to leave the area. He wasn’t having that and said the only way I could leave is if he kept you. Of all the other options going through my head I agreed and set flight to New York, broke, homeless, and no one to help me get anywhere. I slept in train stations and on park benches for as long as I could while living out of my packed bags. With my luck someone came along asking if I needed a place to stay. At that point I jumped at the option and stayed with them though the lack of information about said person. They said they were on business and looking for new employees. I had the job if I could keep track of this place and house clients when asked. Signed contract, new me, and a clean slate; then I meet you all over again and here we are”

It was a lot of information to process and I don’t know how one person could go through so much and just get their life turned around instantly. “What were your other options besides leaving me with my father?”

“Well there was this lovely family down the road that I would have been glad to keep you with. Kindest people on the block, but they had a son that just turned a year old the day you were born. I couldn’t leave them with a toddler and a new born”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded”

“I agree, but it didn’t seem right leaving you with someone and leaving with no explanations”

As I take this in I bid goodnight and go into the room Niall had taken resident in. I was in sweats from the flight so I didn’t bother to change and climbed into the bed.

~

Next morning I was woken to loud music by a band I know I’ve heard of before. When I do decide to get out of bed I walk past the living room and find an iphone docked in a stereo system playing Mayday Parade. Tests are unneeded this woman is my mother.

We pretty much stayed inside all day due to the fact that there’s literally no place to go without driving a ways and no one really wanted to go anywhere. So, I just casually owned everyone at every possible board game.

First of all that is a major lie; I am such crap at board games.

I had just lost and Sorry and that was the last bored game that existed in this house. “What about Twister? Don’t kids love that game?” my mom suggested out of the blue. My eyes lit up and she took that as a sign to reach into the game cabinet and pull out the battered old box. “I know it’s an old game, but how much does it get used?” I asked looking at the box that was being held together by old pieces of tape barley keeping it together. “Oh your brother and sisters played it when they were younger…” she trailed off as she looked at my shocked face. Pretty much everyone shared the same expression that I did. “I have siblings?” I squeaked out. She nodded and picked at some of the tape on the box. “How about that Twister game” she mumbled.

Each round ended with me and one of the guys. Mom refused to play because she was too old. 38 is not too old to play twister. Anyways each round came down to me and one of the guys and the other guys cheating by trying to get me to lose. When it came down to Niall and I intensity shot through the roof. I mean we were going on for days, Left hand green, and Right hand red, Left foot blue and Right hand yellow. We were in all sorts of knots.

That night was a sad night to put it simply. I wasn’t going to have Niall around to save me every time the media said that shit hit the fan when they’re only making it seem like it did. August is too far away…and it’s only the beginning of June.

~

I dreaded waking up the next morning until I heard the most magical word in the entire world, pancakes! Pancakes are so much more delectable when they aren’t yours. It was a tie between Niall and me on who had them finished first. Mom didn’t seem that surprised and the guys brushed it off like it’s a normal thing, only because it is. At 6 in the morning, pancakes are the best way to make me forget about the goodbyes that take place just as I’m finished eating. I mean did Paul really have to wait until exactly after I finished eating? He couldn’t wait until I digested a little? Ok maybe not, but this kind of stuff isn’t easy.

I slowly made way to each guy giving them a hug. When I got to Niall the four other band members left the room as well as my mother. Paul stayed because we would’ve left out the window and ran if we could.” Jessa I know we’ll be away from each other for a while, but please keep me in mind before you do something to yourself. Even if you get really upset and need someone to take it out on please call me or text me. We’re in the same time zone so even if it’s three in the morning I’ll have my ringtone up so that I can text you back or answer your call. Please just talk to me” I honestly felt tears well up a in my eyes. “I promise Niall. You’re not making this goodbye thing any easier” we hugged for what felt like forever after that. “Whatever you do, don’t change your lock screen anytime soon” He pecked me on the lips and slowly made his way out the door leaving me confused, and sad, and wanting more, and nothing more than for him to stay in this room and cuddle me to death while watching Mulan. That is literally all I could ask for.

I looked out the window and watched as they got in the car. Niall stuck his head out the window and waved at me. It was about time my tears broke loose. I was full on crying now and the only person who could fix it was Niall.