I crouch and place the flowers against Violets headstone.
My fingers caress her name.
“Forgive me.” I whisper.
The rain had let up a little, but it had drizzled all day long.
Her funeral had been three days ago and though I had tried to be strong, I couldn’t help crying. It was my fault her life had ended this way. Her family would have had some more time with her if I hadn’t insisted on saving her.
Johnathon.
I stand and pay my respects.
“You wanted me to help her. I did.”
I don’t turn to look at her.
“That was not what I meant and you know it.” I can’t keep the anger out of my voice.
“Her death hurts you and I am sorry for that. But she would have died. Maybe not as soon as she did if not for the car accident, but eventually she would have. Just like your mother and your father. You can’t save them all.”
I wanted to hit her so bad.
“I hate you.”
Her hands turn me around so that I was facing her.
She wipes away my tears.
I push her hands away.
“This is the way it has to be.” She says her eyes soft.
“Fuck you.”
“You can’t go around saving everyone from death Johnathon. It’s not the way it works.”
“Why did you save me? Why was I so special?”
“I love you.”
“Well I loved her! Why didn’t that count the way it did for me?”
“She was not meant for this life.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I wanted you forever. You wanted her for the moment.”
“I wanted her forever too!”
She gazes back at me.
“You’re stronger than what you give yourself credit for.” She says.
I sigh angrily and turn my back to her.
“You have to ignore that pull sometimes, the need to bring everyone into it. She would have hated you for it. She wouldn’t have had a choice and you were making it for her.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Would you thank me for ending your human life and bringing you to a world where you live off of other human beings? The hunger so unquenchable in the beginning that all the faces of your victims blend into a blur that you could kill your own mother and not even realize it. Would you have thanked me later when they became clear to you? Would you force your mother? You have to learn how to be detached.”
“How?” I ask. “How can you just stand there and watch everyone you love waste away to nothing?”
“It is their choice Johnathon. But always remember, the one you chose has to be strong. Why pick someone who won’t accept the gift and just kill themselves afterwards? You have to know that person well before you even decide.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“You wished it, as fleeting as it might have been. You still wanted it, that you had the power to bring her over. You can’t do that. Understand what it means to be a vampire first before you change someone else.”
