Open Fortress

I need Me

That was a pretty sad day. You could say it was the start of a fall, a decline, a sharp turning point in my life. You sould say that it was the start of the end. Or you could say it was the day I stopped caring.

As I'm writing this, I'm looking straight ahead at my closet. I see my clothes, some in a mess, some not, most loose, few okay. I'm staring straight ahead as I type away, unfeeling of the mess I am. As I call my nieces again, I hope to feel something, some kind of happiness, but as I think that, I find it odd. You could say I had been the most stable one for some time. I certainly smiled. I certainly started letting myself get carried away. I certainly decided I was to forget who I am.

Right now, I'm about to delete all my social media.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel okay.

I don't feel me.

I'm wearing makeup. I went to a makeup class yesterday. I learn to better conceal my acne scars, and my white scar that ranges from the right tip of my nose, next to my lip, and to my lower jawline. I asked how to conceal it.

I asked for help in concealing myself.

I feel like crying. I know this work will probably be my most self-centered one. Every few words it's I ME I ME I ME I ME.

Let's call this girl Ale.

Ale does not know what to do anymore.

You see, she's 17. She's a black haired (not so black anymore), curly (not so curly anymore), athletic (not so athletic anymore), determined (not so determined anymore), smart (she's evolved into an idiot) young girl. She used to be thin, then she was not. Then she was athletic under some extra weight. Then she was only athletic. And then she was not.

She used to read.

And then she did not.

She used to draw.

And then she did not.

She used to write.

And then she stopped.

She used to learn.

And then she listened.

She used to care.

And then she left.

I don't know where she is

I want her back

I need her

I need her

I need

ME.

I need to stop trying to hide myself behind masks in order to fit in.
O need to stop trying to be funny in order to fit in with my friends.

I need to stop laughing and cry my eyes out, I need to realize I've fallen for months and I've lost it all. I'm about to lose the last chance I have to actually live.

Around one month ago, I was told I had tumors. I was not scared. I knew they would be benign. I knew I would not be gone in a few months. I was right on the first part. The second, I'll tell you in a bit.

I can't believe I used it as an excuse. I needed time. I still do. I need time away I need time to find out where I went wrong and try to fix it. I need to fix it. I need to see what I did. I need to see what I used to do right that kept me on balance. Jeanie can do it. She does not fall off track. Why can't I?

Becauses I'm stupid.

Don't you dare tell me otherwise.
I'm a teen and I know it.

I'm an idiot and I know it.

I'm a wannabe, a hoe, a know it all, a careless bitch, a judgemental, sad little girl that gets angry too much, that cares too much but cares too little. I'm a girl who was never on the right track but was never so off track.

I've got Kleenex on my bedside table and they feel good. They give me a second to calm down, and realize I'm human. My tears taste like salt. My floor has a tissue on top. My eyes are red and my iris is as black as my pupil. My eyes lift to my closet and don't see clothes. They see the shirt, white with black and red stripes that I've worn with leggings, my combat boots, and felt badass in. They see the shirt my little sister cousin gave me from Barcelona. I miss her. They see my school club shirts. My burgundy woven coat that made me smile in happiness when I first saw it. The superman shirt my dad also has back home. The blue dress I wore to Ana's wedding . The shoes I wore in New York. The jacket I wore when I came to the 24th here in Tegus, back in the day when I didn't live here.

The shoes. Oh damn. Where have I not gone with those shoes. I've seen a shitload of places. I find them little things, I'm already forgetting my trips, when I felt good, I felt free, I didn't feel fat, I didn't feel judged, I just felt me. I left my phone when I went to DC and NYC. I'm glad I did. I truly do need to disconnect.

I'll print a few pictures of good memories.

I need them right now.

And then.

I'll find something to make me smile.