Babymama. (Lesbian Story)

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November 24th is forever going to be the day I lost myself. Nothing can ever be the same after this day, none of the smells, sounds or sights. Everything I would see would be through new eyes with a new perspective. Camille died early in the morning; she coded & all the nurses came in trying to stabilize her but she died in minutes. There was nothing that anyone could do, especially not me. That killed me, it broke my fucking heart. My baby, my whole universe shattered before my eyes & I couldn't fucking deal with it all at once.
Of course at first I just cried, in disbelief that she had been taken so early in life. I was so sad that it caused me physical pain, I felt like my heart was going to fall out of my chest. My heart was heavy, my spirits were low & nothing else was on my mind except calling Nani. I didn't even call her for her birthday which was really shitty of me. I mean, I could've sent her a text at least but I'm a piece of shit, clearly. Now to call her about this? I just couldn't say it over the phone so I told her to come to my apartment so that we could talk. Ghost had been with me earlier that morning, trying to console me but she had to go to work. Even the whole time Ghost was in my face being all sentimental I just kept thinking about Puanani.
Theres a knock at the door and its like my body is made of cement as I try to get up from my couch. I felt like fucking garbage and I could barely move because I was so exhausted from crying all night & all day today. As soon as I opened the door and Nani sees my eyes all puffed up and red, her face goes from a scowl to a pout. From the look on her face you can tell shes concerned, she immediately steps into the house & puts her hands on my face. Forcing me to look at her, she asked me what was wrong. But I couldn't even speak at first because I was so choked up. And I tried like hell not to cry because I knew if I started that I wouldn't be able to stop. Nani closed the door behind her & pulled me into my living room, sitting down on the couch.
"Tell me what happened to your face? You been crying?" Nani asked.
"I gotta tell you something but I don't know how." I replied.
"Baby, what happened?"
"Camille is gone,"
She moved back, giving me a look of disbelief. She shook her head, trying to rebuke what I just told her.
"I just saw her the other day. She was fine," Nani protested.
"Her heart just stopped, Nani. Nobody saw it coming," I explained.
"No! How could she be dead? She was just a baby,"
"I know babe,"
"I'm sorry I wasn't there, this is my fault."
"No its not,"
"How can you say its not? If I would've been here for you this wouldn't be happening!"
"Nani, you don't know that. Stop it,"

She took my hands into hers and kissed them. It was like I had taken everything from her; just judging by the way she looked at me & her heavy breathing, her heart was just broken. Well that made 2 of us & there was no word I could find to define my pain.
"Are you having a viewing?" Nani whined through her tears.
"No, I'm just getting her cremated." I replied.
"Are you gonna be okay?"
"Look at me, do I look okay?"
"I just figured since you got your little girlfriend that you'd be managing better,"

I rolled my eyes all the way to the back of my head. I knew she was gonna be petty & bring this shit up. I really didn't need to get pissed off right now, not with the way I was feeling.
"I'm not about to argue with you Nani," I explained.
"Who's arguing? Not me," Nani cooed.
"Don't bullshit me, you're always trying to get me started up about that girl. I don't understand why you're so goddamn jealous."
"What do you mean? How do you not understand? I been with you for 2 years, gave you a place to stay, helped take care of this baby thats been taken from us now; and you don't understand why I'm jealous?"
"If you cared why leave me all the time? Why did you always act like money was more important than me?"
"I need to take care of you, so I gotta make money right?" Nani questioned.
"You act like you gonna run out any time soon! You can relax long enough to spend time with me," I argued.
"Well it doesn't matter anymore,"
"And why not?"
"Because you left me,"
"Only cause I couldn't get you to understand my point. I needed to leave so you could understand where I was coming from,"
Nani shook her head at me &
got up, ready to leave. I got up after her, grabbing her arm.
"You're still refusing to understand, why can't you just admit you were wrong? Admit that you let money consume you. Admit that after you got clean you needed another addiction," I remarked.

She knew I was right, thats why she was so quick to walk out. Nani didn't want to face the fact that she fucked up.  After she gave up the cocaine, the heroin & the heavy alcohol, she needed to be addicted to something else. Instead of being addicted to her girlfriend or to her family, she got addicted to making money. She never turned down any offer to make some kind of profit. All she ever talked about was work, all she ever thought about was her next project & her next paycheck. All that time shes working she could've been spending with me or with the baby. She wouldn't have gotten my point unless I showed her the consequences of her actions. I had no other choice but to leave. Now she knew that she wanted me in her life and she didn't want to be without me. After living apart from me for a little over 4 months, she knew she couldn't let something as stupid as money keep her from me anymore. Thats all I ever wanted. Her realization might've come too late & this conversation between us might've been long overdue but I'm still happy that it happened.

"Are you still with her?" Nani questioned.
"Ugh, don't even get me started with that." I growled.
"Oh shit, what happened?"
"Shes so annoying! Shes up my ass more than you!"
"Oh really? I thought you liked that shit,"
"I like attention but don't mean I want her suffocating me all day,"

There was an awkward silence. I could tell that she didn't know exactly what to do with herself. To be honest I wasn't sure what to say or do either.
"I missed you a lot," I remarked.
"You could've fooled me! -- But I missed you too." Nani replied.
A bright smile bloomed across her face & nothing made me feel warmer inside. Ghost was a great girl, and a cool shorty to kick it with. But I simply couldn't take her seriously, & not just because of Nani. Ghost wasn't as mature as I needed her to be & we didn't really get along to keep it funky. She was the biggest asshole I had met in a long time & did a lot of petty shit.
Nani was my Queen, she's the love of my life. She could do no wrong in my eyes & I was sick of not having her around.