tuesday lullabies

week four // weight for me

chapter four // weight for me 

“C’mon, Scar, we’re waiting for you.” 

“I’m coming,” I call back, staring at the pile of food on my plate. “I’ll meet you guys in homeroom. I need to gather my stuff, anyways.”

My friends nod their heads and trot back to class, a clique if there ever was one. Each holding their backpack up with one strap, sashaying back to class, I’m not sure if they even know how similar they all look: they each have the same Forever 21, H&M, and even - to my disgust - Brandy Melville style. They laugh and they sing and dance back to class.

 I still sit here.

 Hunger isn’t even pain anymore; I used to be able to not feel hunger at all. But now, it gnaws at my stomach. It’s like there’s a little monster inside of me, clawing at my insides until she gets what she wants: food.

 But I cannot eat. It’s only been two days; I’ve gone longer.

 The food on my plate calls to me. It’s not much - it’s school lunch, something bought from the cafeteria so that my mother will know I bought something. Some big, juicy, homemade potato fries fill half the plate. A mouthwatering burger sits on the other half, with its tender meat and crisp lettuce and soft, melted cheddar cheese… A soft chocolate-chip cookie balances cautiously on the edge of the plate, and an unopened pomegranate Izze sits to the right of the plate.

 Just eat it. You know what you’re doing isn’t healthy for you. Eat the comida, amiga, I tell myself. You’ve seen all the Powerpoint presentations at school; hell, you’ve watched videos on how this has ruined people’s lives on YouTube. Cut the shit, Scar, and eat.

 But a harsher voice counters me. Shut up, Scar. How else are you going to lose the weight? You’ve always been the big one. And you know you’re not pretty. So if you can’t be the pretty one, be the thin one. Leave the girls wondering how you do it. Skinny is pretty. But look at that carb-filled, greasy burger in front of you. Look at those fries oozing carbs and salt. Do you see that cookie? How many calories in a chocolate-chip - how many for the whole thing?

 I have to eat. I can’t eat.

 Throw the food away, before it’s too late, I plead.

 I stand up, keeping my eyes off of the food. I don’t think about starving children who’d kill to have this food I’ve been so privileged to have. I don’t think.

 And the plate falls into the trash.

 Instant relief fills me instantly; thank God I hadn’t eaten that! What a moment of weakness I had there - I could not believe I had almost eaten and broken my almost 36-hour-through fast. That was those last three pounds, right there, in that meal. I could have gained that in a split decision.

 If I had even taken a bite, I would have eaten the whole thing.

 I shake the can of soda when I reach the table and open the can. I drizzle the cascade of juice through my throat and into my stomach. It’s delicious.

 And 130 calories.

 Water’s 0.

 Disgusted with myself, I throw the nearly-empty can in the direction of the trash bin. Luckily, nobody sees.

After shoveling my notebooks and papers clumsily into my backpack, I throw it over my back and head to my homeroom. After all, my friends are waiting.

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yeah. hi. so um, this is a side of me nobody on wattpad's seen before. okay. bye. ily. -mar