Party Boy

Truthful Texts

After school, Lila invited me to go to the mall with her and Evelyn. Normally, I would have begrudgingly agreed despite not having money to buy anything. I never enjoyed myself. This time, I told them I would sit this one out. I felt guilty, but at the same time relieved. It was nice to do what I wanted instead of going along with everything they said.

I sat on the couch and clicked on the TV. Then I heard the little ding from my phone that told me I had a message. It was from an unknown number.

Hi. This is Nico.

That seemed so serious. Was something wrong? Is he upset with me for some reason? No, I assured myself. He must just type formally. Don't freak out over nothing.

My fingers hovered over the keyboard while I deliberated on what to say. Finally, I decided on:

hey. :) what's up?

I hoped the smiley face wasn't too much. I didn't want to seem too eager, but I was happy to hear from him.

Nothing, really. What are you doing?

just watching pll

What?

pretty little liars

Oh. Do you want to tell me why you dislike parties?

That was a sudden change of topic. Guess he's not a fan of small talk, I thought. That wasn't a bad thing, but in this case, it meant I had no time to build up my courage to tell him this. He told me his reason, so it was only fair I told him mine. I was afraid he might think less of me, but at the same time, I felt like I could trust him, more than anyone else. I may have barely known him, but he made me feel more comfortable than even my friends. After a few moments of worrying, I answered.

sure. i've never really told anyone this before...

You don't have to share anything personal with me if you don't want to.

That statement took me aback. Lila and Lyn demanded that I share everything personal with them. Because we've been friends for so long, I suppose. But Nico was giving me the choice to share this with him. I didn't have to spill. For some reason, that made me want to tell him more.

no, that's alright

I typed. My thumb hovered over the backspace button. Not even Evelyn or Lila knew about this. Neither did my mom. I kept going and told myself it wasn't a big deal and he wouldn't view me any differently if I told him. It certainly didn't feel that way, but I needed to tell him. Worst case scenario, he would see me differently and never want to talk to me again. At least I would get it out of the way now instead of getting attached to him only for him to find out later and ditch me because of it. I hit send.

i have social anxiety

That sucks. You seemed to handle it pretty well at the party though.

He took it so calmly. I didn't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. He didn't even question what it was.

i usually only have attacks when i'm surrounded by people so that's why parties are rough. but i also get really anxious when I'm worried about what people think of me and things like that. feeling trapped is another trigger i think. the first time i rode a roller coaster i had a panic attack

How do you cope with it?

i just avoid situations that make me anxious. but i can never get rid of the worried thoughts

Have you ever thought about taking medicine for it?

no... i don't think it's that bad. and i'd have to tell my mom about it to see a doctor

Your mom doesn't know either?

she wouldn't understand

You never know. I understood.

you seem to understand everything about me

What do you mean?

I facepalmed. God. Why did I say that? I barely know him. What am I thinking? I pulled myself together and tried to explain.

idk. what you said on saturday rlly stuck w/ me. you can't enjoy yourself if you don't think about yourself. i'm always putting others first and i forget to care about myself along the way. i want to relax and have fun and i think the best way to do that is to stop worrying about what other ppl think. but that's easier said than done

Like I said, I'm sure taking anxiety meds would be really helpful, but if you don't want to do that, I'm sure you can overcome it another way if you try. I'll do whatever I can to help you.

thanks :)

You're welcome.

"Ava, don't just sit there! Do the dishes or something. Make yourself useful." My mother's voice saved me from having to come up with something to keep the conversation going, but I didn't appreciate it very much. I didn't mind doing the dishes; it was an easy chore, but I wanted to keep talking to Nico. "Now!" Sadly, that wasn't an option at the moment.

sorry my mom wants me to do the dishes. i gtg

It's fine. Bye.

That period made it sound like he was upset, but I assured myself he was only using proper grammar like he had been the rest of the time. There was no need to fret.

ttyl

...What does that mean?

I laughed a little at that question.

it means talk to you later

Okay. I'll TTYL.

bye :)

I realized that the smiley I had sent was also on my face. It was hard to believe someone I only knew for four days (who wasn't even familiar with texting shortcuts) could make me feel so much better. Before, I thought I would always struggle with my anxiety. Now I was beginning to hope I could get rid of it, or at least minimize it. How could someone who was a stranger less than a week ago convince me I could do the impossible? I didn't know the answer, but I was grateful for it.