Hakuouki: Dragon Circles in Quiet Summer

Chapter 31

I'm fully cleaned up and now it was time to train.... Alone.

I was on the roof holding the sword in hand. It seemed so stiff to just chop and cut how the other did it although Saitou made it look graceful. But feeling these movements, no matter how my shadow looked, no matter how my body moved, it was not me.

I quickly went to get my forgotten weapon, the fans. And something occurred to me, these fans... The color resembles the sword. I scratched but there was no black paint.

I put the fan down and drove my sword down into it but the fan didn't budge. I look at the two and then examine the sword. Nothing. A perfect blade.

"There were originally daggers made of what our swords are made of, given to the closest servants. It was a sign of trust and never ending companionship. He must've smelted his own dagger into those fans. As you probably realized our swords can cut through any other sword. Must've been a long process to make those fans."

I don't look at Fuyu. "Then take the sword. I won't let him diminish Ryou's work. That and I don't like the way swords feel. It's too rough for me, me who is already accustomed to these fans." I whisper, looking down at these fans made especially for me.

Ryou... He promised.... He promised to always stay with me, be with me, protect me. Why couldn't he be there for me now? Why did he have to die? Why did he leave me? Abandon me? Why? I did everything he said, they said. I gave up everything, I protected everything. I did everything, everything, everything, everything!

I survived the torture of me and other. I received every kind and still always smiled in the end. I always looked fine, acted fine, for them, for him, for everyone. Why did I have to serve everyone? Why did I have to protect them? Why did I have to give up everything? Why did I have to be punished? Why? I've done nothing wrong. I only help, protect, and sacrifice so... Why do I always have to be the one to get punished?

"Sakura!" Fuyu yells, shaking me by the shoulders and I see we were both sitting.

And, I can't take it.

I scream.

I let out a heart and soul wrenching scream of whatever is left of both. I clench my eyes shut and let all this... Pain be ripped out of me by my screams. I let my eyes cry all the tears I should've cried. I hold Fuyu like I should've held Ryou, with a absolute hold to make sure he wouldn't be taken away.

Scream, scream, scream. Cry, cry, cry. It's all I can do now. All I can manage.

I feel all of it again. I see all of it again. All my blank stares and empty thoughts. Every hit, burn, and cut. Every forced smile and false reassurance. Too much. It's all too much.

It's tearing me apart.

I'm not fine. I'm not okay. I'm not anything. I'm nothing. All I see inside myself is unjust, never ending pain. Why can I have what I really deserve?

And then it occurs to me, the smallest of comforts I've ever had was people, friends, and family. But even they have hurt me, betrayed me. And that's the pain that hurts the most. People I trust... No one. I can't trust anyone. It was that simple.

But I know I still have to protect them. I have to finish what I started. I've never trusted them, I realize. But with what I had entrusted them with, they had used it against me.

Souji, Fuyu, Mei, Kondou- could I still trust them? Was it safe?

Stupid. I was never safe, not one moment in my life was ever peaceful or safe. Just pain.