Fly Free

Why Me?

Is everything my fault? Or am I just an excuse? I broke up Krazzy and Door's friendship. Krazzy said it didn't matter and it was going to happen any ways. But I guess the fact he keeps bringing up all these memories and how he misses him doesn't really take the guilt off me. I mean, I feel like I just murdered someone. Than I have my sister who has been thinking she can just piss me off, watch me flip out on people, and then get me in trouble. They say I need to watch how I act, they shouldn't be pissing me off in the first place!!!! I try to keep my distance so I don't get mad but she follows me around! Then she tries to play the quilt card and tell people she just wants "sister time"... No. I do nice things and get treated like shit. I ignore others and keep to myself, or treat others how they treat me. I don't get it as bad. Sure it does make me cry but I would rather have tears over anger. So Yea but the only good thing that happened to me was the fact that me and Lamb both signed a contract agreeing not to make any contact with each other. So that's good. But my life has just been so stressful and depressing, yet I can still smile. I don't even know how I do it. I don't know how I have kept myself from cutting or smoking. I just don't know. It's like God is sitting here, supporting me. Telling me I don't need to cut. Telling me I don't need to smoke. Telling me that all I need to do is smile and forget all of the things that hurt me and focus on the funny, weird stuff in my life. I keep reminding myself that if I work hard I can achieve my dream. I have mainly been trying to stay away from home. Any where but home is great. The less I'm home, the better I've been thinking of just flat out leaving. I'd like to watch my mom call the cops for running away. I don't think she can do it. She doesn't care enough. If she did she would have told me the truth about my dad, about popping pills, about everything. She stopped caring a long time ago. I can hear it in her voice. It's not the same.