I am one person with three heads.
My name is Alandra. I can be bright, I make people smile and I wouldn't hurt anyone I came across. I care about everyone deeply, even in a complete stranger I can find an empathetic connection. I am spiritual, light, and try to make the best out of shitty situations. I make music to channel my thoughts and I have fun with it. I love the color green, I love talking to people, my friends, my family. I love trying new things and having adventures. I can be spontaneous and sweet. But like a soft wind can be gone before you have a chance to really appreciate the moments you have with me. Alandra isn't much but the best it'll ever get. This is the real me, and I want to be in control. but there are too many of me, and they are stronger.
My name is Ann and I don't care about much except maybe a few material things with some sentimental value. I admit, I'm selfish. I'm selfish as fuck, but sue me for wanting things for myself, since I didn't have much of a say in anything when I was a child. Things like "consent". I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I am who I am and fuck you. I say what I like and show no remorse for anyone I hurt. i usually come out to play at the most vulnerable times because it's amusing watching everyone else in my head scrambling to fix everything I wreck. Watch them try to patch up the hearts I break. My blood boils in anger, and I am not responsible for some of the things it makes me do.
My name is Sorrow and I need help. I look in the mirror, and I am disgusted. I do what I need to do to try to be perfect and I don't care if it hurts me. I can't take much anymore. I can't stand going outside, my room with the lights shut off is my safe haven. I can't eat. Food makes you fat, and everyone loves a skinny girl. But even if I was, I'm still fucked up on the inside. I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm cold. I don't feel much of anything anymore except sadness. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. No one understands. All these voices in my head I can't cope anymore I'm not okay. Life isn't worth all of this, at least mine. I hardly have the energy to get out of bed. I'm weak and pathetic. And I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I should just... die.
This is a little bit of what it's like in my head. I've written these three at three different times of the week.
I wanted to see what my personalities thought about each other. My therapist suggested this, so I could better understand myself.
Something I've noticed, Ann hates Alandra. Ann is everything I am not, and she represents what I don't want to become but... in a way already am. It's the angry part of me I've suppressed and she just kind of manifested into herself. She didn't show up until the end of junior year.
When I'm not on my meds, I do transition but medication helps. My mom told me to pay attention to triggers so when I do transition, I can get a better understanding of how to control myself. Triggers for Ann is usually lots of stress, or anger before a big event happens. Like when I'm performing a concert or having a presentation or, like right now, graduating. Triggers for Sorrow would be an issue with my self esteem. Obviously, I have issues with my self image like any normal teenage girl does. But with Sorrow, that is intensified and I act out impulsively. Like starve myself into hospitalization, dehydration. I have acted out bulimia behaviors because of her. It became a real issue Sophomore year, which is when it caught my parents attention.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and was seeing a therapist for a while before I grew tired of it. I stopped and the transitions gradually became more frequent and intense. Sorrow tried to commit suicide, and that was when I went to get real help. This was the end of Junior year.
During this time the thought never even occurred to me about a personality disorder, I just thought I was really depressed or maybe even bipolar. But after a while, it wasn't till mid-senior year that my doctor brought up the idea to me about a personality disorder. I lose track of time, I don't remember certain dates, I black out, I find evidence of things like letters or drawings or just like. things that weren't mine but... were. She said we had a session where I told her about my eating habits and cried the entire session, about how much of a disgusting human I thought I was and... just thin a I normally don't talk about to other people. I have no recollection of this session.
I don't like to compare it to this but yes it's like being possessed but... by myself. I only have a mild case of DID, so it isn't something I have to be constantly on watch for... unless I stop taking my medication.
I recently finished this television show capturing the life of a woman with DID, it's called "United States of Tara".
I really got into the show because of all the similarities that appealed to me and my situation. And I figured if there is anyone out there reading this and understands what the fuck is happening in my head... talk to me. help me. Can I make this stop?
Will this always be something I have to deal with? Will I always be crazy? Will I get worse???
I just want control of my life man. I don't know how else to explain my shit but. talk to me.
