Day By Day

chapter 3.

I just wanted to get home, back to the apartment. I needed to get back. I felt as if everyone was staring and judging me. Anxiety. Another one of my problems. I hated walking anywhere by myself, I always felt that people judged me every time I walked passed someone. It didn’t help today that was one of my bad days, which meant that I was dressed in sweats and a massive hoodie, which I’m guessing made people stare. Who wears a hoodie in the heat of Arizona? I hugged my ring binder closer to my chest and secured my bag on my shoulder before speeding up my walk, it was only a few blocks from the university to my apartment but it seemed to take forever today. I got into my apartment building and decided to just use the stairs, always good to get something in that would burn carbs.

“Pheonix, foods in the kitchen!” Liv yelled as soon as I closed the door, I sighed and bit my lip.

“I’m not hungry” I said loud enough for her to hear as I dropped everything onto my bed and letting out a sigh. My hands were still shaking and I was still breathing pretty heavy.

“You okay?” I turned to see Liv standing in my doorway.

“Yeah I’m fine” that was a lie. I was feeling terrible.

“Okay, well go eat the food I made.” she said and turned left back to the couch to watch television. I stood for a moment just gathering my thoughts, I knew if I was to leave the food she would know I was having a bad day and she wouldn’t leave me alone. I guess I have to eat it then.

I slowly walked to the kitchen and saw pasta sitting on the counter, I could tell it was just made with the steam coming off the top of it. I sighed and picked up the plate and a fork and sat at the kitchen table. I played with the food for a while before placing a little in my mouth. Have you ever felt that way when you are just chewing the food and just cant swallow it? Yeah that’s how I was feeling. Knowing that if I had that little bit of pasta it could add something extra to my body, some fat. I was already fat enough and didn’t need anymore. I spun my fork around the plate for a while just staring at the plate in front of me, I really couldn’t bare to put any of it in my mouth.

“So have you heard from tumblr boy?” I rolled my eyes, Liv asked me this everyday.

“No. He said he wouldn’t be able to message for a couple of weeks.” I shrugged, sure it had been nearly a month since he had last messaged me and maybe I was kind of missing having someone else to talk to but it’s whatever, he said he was going to be busy and I respected that.

“You message him then? I saw you smile when you were talking to him the last time fee” she said coming into the kitchen.

“No, I’m not desperate.” I mumbled and continued to play with my food.

“You better eat that Pheonix” she said crossing her arms.

“Know what Olivia?” I asked standing up annoyed. “I wish you would just fuck up and leave me alone. If I want to starve myself, let me. If I want to throw up anything that I have eaten, let me. If I want to carve words into my flesh then fucking let me. Stop trying to control me!” I screamed at her before running to my room and slamming my door. I stood for a moment, my chest heaving up and down. My eyes were darting around my room until I spotted the small pink box on top of my dresser. I rushed over to it and emptied the contents onto the white wood and rummaged through it until I picked up the small shiny blade. I rolled my sleeve up and quickly pulled the blade across the skin, hearing the sound of the skin breaking. It wasn’t bleeding enough so I repeated the action a couple of times.

“Fee, stop” I turned to see Liv standing at the other side of my bed.

“Get out” I growled. She took a step forward and I shook my head. “Leave me alone” I said and I could see her tearing up. I kept her stare until she broke and left the room. I could feel the blood trickle down my arm, I watched it for a second before I sat on my bed and pulled my sweats down so I could see my thighs, there were some faded scars and more recent ones, many versions of “fat” cut into the flesh. This time I concentrated on carving “never good enough” across the top of my thigh.

“fat” I whispered to myself and I ran my fingers over the bump skin. that’s when I remembered that I had eaten some food earlier and slowly stood up, pulling my sweats back and then leaving my room so I could go to the bathroom. I could feel Liv staring at me from the couch as I made my way to the bathroom but I didn’t even acknowledge her. I closed the door and then sat down in front of the toilet. I didn’t hesitate to push to fingers in my mouth causing myself to gag. I done it several times until it was enough to throw up. I must have been there for an hour. Now it was only blood that would leave my mouth. The blood on my arm had dried in, some fresh blood still seeping out.

I was getting tired. I could feel my body getting heavy ad my eyes starting to close over longer than a normal blink. This would always happen. Every time I threw up, I would end up passing out on the bathroom floor with exhaustion and just the fact that I had lost so much fluid from my body and the constant blood loss.

“Pheonix, god” I heard Liv fall to the ground beside me and pull me into her while grabbing a cloth from the sink to clean my arm. I could feel her tears on my arm as she cleaned me up but I was too exhausted to look at her. I didn’t want to see the hurt and sadness in her eyes either.

“Why do you continue to do this to yourself” she cried.

“I deserve it.” I whispered but wasn’t sure she heard me. “I deserve the pain” I continued.

“No. You don’t. You’re this amazing and beautiful girl who deserves the world. You have this outstanding personality and can always make me smile and light up a room just by making a joke. You don’t deserve this.” she said wrapping her arms around me.

“We need to get you help sweetie” she said and I shook my head with the little energy I had left.

“I don’t want help” I mumbled.

“Well I don’t want to come home one day or come into your room one day and see my best friend lying there in a pool of blood. I’ve already lost part of you to this horrible disease and I refuse to lose all of you. I cant lose you.” she said firmly but I couldn’t answer her, my eyes had gotten to heavy to open back up and I really couldn’t form any words. I just wanted to sleep.

I needed to sleep.