Reflections

Part 7

To say the last two months had been eventful would be an understatement. The band is now well into their 3 month tour around North America and even though she hasn't told the boys, Mia hasn't been handling things very well. A heavy weighted feeling ha been pressing down on top of her for weeks now that she just couldn't seem to shift. Every show dragged on like a chore and her usual energy and enthusiasm for the stage just couldn't be summoned. Surprisingly the rest of the band had yet to see through her fake smile,so she suffered in silence. Day in and day out she done the exact same thing; woke up late,rushed out to private soundcheck, fumbled her way through that, ate whatever soup was being served in catering that day then did her makeup.(Which she had got better at.). Then she would change into the one black skater skirt she had secretly bought online and play video games with Calum. Just before 5pm she would wash off the makeup and change out of the skirt,brush off the empty feelings that came with it and put on a fake smile for the fans at the soundcheck party. The last hour before the show is spent watching the boys fuck around and occasionally filming for snapchat or napping. She plays her show, helps pack up and goes back to the bus or hotel where she tries to avoid everyone and lies awake in bed until she eventually falls asleep late .

And the routine had been working really well until last week. Mia wasn't even sure where they were; Chicago maybe, But she felt horrible. Her body felt heavy and far too big, her skin was crawling and she just wanted to go off somewhere and cry until the day was over. As if things couldn't get any worse her throat was agony and she was on a strict vocal rest until the show . So maybe it was an amalgamation of Those things that had lead to her completely breaking down backstage and causing the show to be canceled. Mia would probably be deeply sorry and filled with guilt if she could catch a breath or collect her thoughts. But really she's a mess and she really needs to try sort herself out some.

That's why not even a week later Mia is clutching Ashton's hand tightly while sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment at the gender identity clinic. Management (who had been unbelievably understanding and efficient.) had pulled some strings and got her an appointment as soon as possible.

"Clifford to room 3 please." A voice came over the intercom causing Mia to pale and grip tighter into Ashton's hand .

"You want me to come with?" He asks her.
"No I think I have to do this alone." She replies,before slowly standing up and walking down the corridor towards the room.

-

"Hello I'm Doctor Angela Jaye." Says a short woman as soon as Mia enters the room. "Now before this appointment starts I'd like to ask you for your preferred name and pronouns. I'd like for you to be as comfortable as possible with me." Her voice is oddly calming and makes Mia feel safe.

"Uhm, Mia and female pronouns please." She says slowly scared of judgment.

There is silence for a few seconds while doctor Jaye enters some information onto her computer.
"Okay Mia,first things first I want you to know it's best the answer every question as honestly as possible so we can discuss and choose the best option for both your physical and mental health."
Mia nods to show understanding.
For a while she is made to answer simple questions like her biological sex,birthday and general health questions. Then the real analysis began.

"Okay Mia can you try to describe to me the physical symptoms that you are having."

"I don't know how to describe it to be honest." She says hesitantly resting her hands together on her skirt.

"It's okay just take your time." The doctor says smiling reassuringly.

"Okay, well I just feel heavy I guess? Like my chest,my head my body feels heavy and I feel small,like I'm inside my body and it's just too big for me..." Mia sighs trying to communicate her thoughts into words. "When I look in a mirror my eyes burn and my skin tingles,I am repulsed by my appearance."

"Why do you think this is?" The doctor asks.

"Because my physical appearance doesn't match up to my mental appearance." Doctor Jaye looks at her with a quizzical look so she continues. " physically I'm this tall,wide, sharp figure. I'm all hairy and manly and mentally I'm not that. I'm soft and curved,feminine and beautiful. I just feel wrong and trapped."

"I see." Angela says as she fills more information onto the computer. "Now I do think I can diagnose you with gender dysphoria. Are you aware of this term?" Mia nods, it didn't take an idiot to work out that's what was going on.

"Now there are a few paths we could take with this,the main one of course being hormone replacement therapy." She pauses and Mia nods again. "But before I can prescribe anything I have a few more questions I need to ask you."

"Mia could you tell me what your mental state is like. Are you now or have you ever experienced bouts of depression that have lasted for 2 weeks or more at a time." She asks.

Mia is silent for a moment." I..I'm not sure exactly what depression feels like..." She admits.

" feelings of hopelessness, loss of energy, a general lack of interest in physical activity and motivation as well as the loss of enjoyment of the activities you used to enjoy. People experiencing depression also tend to feel irritated, a lack of concentration and an overall general feeling of sadness. Does that sound familiar to you?"

"Yes." Her voice is barely above a whisper because she had blamed those feelings on dysphoria,she had t thought for a second that depression was even a possibility.

"Okay,and how long have you been feeling like this?" She follows

"A few months"...

Mia and the doctor talk back and forth with a few questions being asked for about twenty minutes .

"Okay miss Clifford your mental state doesn't appear to be an imminent danger to you or anyone. However it is something that needs addressing. So I'd like to prescribe you with a low dosage of anti depressant and also a prescription for estrogen hormone. How does that sound to you?"

Mia's head is spinning but she nods "that sounds great."

"Now before I prescribe you with hormones I need to inform you of the side effects of them. The medication will not create immediate significant changes that will be visible on your body,but with continued use you will begin to see changes in the shape of your hips,bottom and thighs. Your muscle definition will lessen and with continued use after a few years the testes and prostate will decrease and size and you may developer breasts as large as a B cup. The important thing is to have patience." Mia listens intently the whole time,nodding when appropriate.

"Of course there are some things you will notice sooner such as... Mia zoned out and allows herself to picture the image that runs through her brain everyday. Long hair,round jaw,smooth skin. Beautiful. Angelic. Female.

"... Now if you take estrogen now,it may leave you infertile. Of course if you intend to carry through with a transition then that won't matter."

Mia suddenly zones back into the real world and realises exactly what is about to happen. Of course she knows this is the first long step in an even longer process,but it is still an important one. Is she ready?

"Miss Clifford would you like me to prescribe you ?"

"Yes."

Hi it me.
I'm honestly pretty proud of this chapter so please leave me feedback. I want to know what you think~Tyler