Reflections

Part 3

It had been 3 days since the incident with the dream and Michael had begun to notice things about himself that he hadn't even gave a second thought about before but now that he had they bothered him . His stubble ,his jaw , his shoulders and somewhat muscular forearms all made him uncomfortable . His voice and his laugh seemed unfamiliar too masculine to belong to him but they did. Even his flat chest and bulge of his dick against his skinny jeans sparked a new sense of discomfort in him that never existed before . When ever he looked in the mirror he didn't recognise the person staring back at him , he knew it was him but he didn't look how he thought he should look and that made him feel almost empty. The heavy feeling he had felt after his dream and outside the shop had returned and had made its self At home on his back and chest ,tingling slightly whenever he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He knew the boys were starting worry about him he had hardly spoken to them at all he had hardly left his room in three days .

Calum had come by multiple times that evening after the shopping trip obviously worried about his friends strange behaviour ,Michael had assured him he was okay,he didn't really sound convincing buy Calum knew not to push the subject.

Ashton had tried to help a lot as well , being the "Dad" of the band he didn't like seeing any of the boys feeling down. He brought him many mugs of tea which Michael is sure would have been nice if he Actually liked tea,it was a nice gesture though.

He guesses Luke was the most helpful , he didn't try to get him to open up about his feelings like Calum and he wasn't overbearing like Ashton, he would simply lay with Michael in silence giving the troubled lad the time he needed to process what was going on. The silent acceptance from the younger was comforting and he appreciated it more than he let on.

He had tried many times to work out what was causing these feelings his main suspects being plain old exhaustion or maybe he was simply going insane from being surrounded by the guys for so long ,perhaps it was his minds way of reminding him of the female population although he doubted that one as he had never been particularly fond of it in the first place .

By the time the fourth day had came around Michael had trolled through the deepest depths of the Internet for some form of answer , he scrolled through pages and pages of yahoo answers and different online forms . Each site had many different answers some were down right impossible but there was one thing ,two words that appeared on every site . Figuring it was worth a shot he googled it.

Gender dysphoria :
Noun
the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex.

Michael read the words over and over again but they just didn't make sense. He was a man ,he was born with male parts , he looked like a male . He was male.

"Do you want to be though?" A voice in the back of his head asks.

He actually stops to think about it for a moment . He pictures himself as a man , with broad shoulders and a sharp jawline lined with dark stubble,he thinks about his hairy legs and his happy trail, his flat chest and he honestly feels disgusted . His heart feels heavy ,the body he pictured, HIS BODY, felt wrong to him.
Taking a deep breath he allowed himself to imagine he was in a different body one with a round face , smooth skin , flowing curls and a natural curved figure. The more he imagined himself in this feminine body the wider the smile on his face became ,he felt warm inside .He Felt right.
Suddenly his eyes shot open with a start his breathing laboured slightly as he began to panic at the realisation . This could not be happening he can not be transgender ,he just can't be .

Unwanted tears leak from the corner of his eyes .
"Fuck." He gasps pressing the palm of his hands against his eyes trying desperately to stop himself from crying. Crying was for girls and he was not a girl.

The warm light cascading into the room had faded to a dull glow before anyone came looking for him ,although he would have preferred that no one saw him today at all what with his red rimmed blood shot eyes being a sure giveaway that he had spent the majority of the day crying .

"Hey Mikey ,we ordered pizza wanna come out ?" Ashton asked his head hesitantly snuck round the door frame .

"Y-yeah yeah I'll be out in a sec." The sadder boy replied trying to sound like he hadn't been sobbing into his pillow for two hours but his voice failed him sounded raspy and cracked slightly.

"Mike are you okay?" Ashton asked picking up on his tone and walking further into the room .

Michael looks up and nods not trusting his voice enough to speak,However Ashton comes further into the room and sits on the edge of the bed and puts a gentle hand into his knee.

"Have you been crying?"
Michael shakes his head again but he knows his eyes are a dead give away away.

Ashton sighs."Don't try and lie to me Michael,what's bothering you?"

Everything.
Every single thing about himself is bothering him but he couldn't tell Ashton that . He couldn't tell him that he felt broken, that he was broken,his brain was screwed up.He was a fully grown man crying in his room because he couldn't be a female. It's completely ridiculous he didn't want Ashton to think he was pathetic .

"I'm fine Ash." He grimaced,he was never that good at lying and his friend knew that.

"No you're not,but that's okay no one expects you to be okay all the time it's normal you aren't a robot Michael. Just take sometime to relax I'm sure whatever is causing you trouble will pass in time. Just promise if it's serious you will talk to one of us okay ?" Ashton spoke softly his voice calming to Michael .

"It's not serious I'm fine." He replied his voice shaking slightly,tears. glistening in his eyes .

Ashton's face soften slightly. "Good . Now I think we need a band cuddle ." He giggled calling for the other band members.

"I thought you didn't do band cuddles." Michael teased .

"I do when my one of my best mates need me." He replied and okay yeah that answer was good enough for him.

So as he lay sandwiched between Ashton and Luke with Calum flopped over all of their legs he couldn't help but feel safe . This band,these three boys were his home and he knew deep down if this became something bigger they would accept him no matter what .