For Her

Chapter 1 - The bitter past

I used to love my name – Felicity.

"-ed" yes, it's in past tense. Back then, I was very proud of having my name, my friends would wish that they have the same name as mine because it has a very beautiful meaning to it which is great happiness; pleasing and well chosen; the ability to talk and write effectively – words that was once me, a definition that I was once, until I woke up one morning and suddenly, saying my name sounds like a lie, a curse, a venom. I started dreading it.

I'm Felicity A. Sta. Maria, people called me "felicity," my friends, "fely" and my family, "Fifi." But

now, I am Maria, for everyone, and I prefer it that way.

I became Maria when my mom died in a car accident two years ago, and the funny thing was, she never drive, but her boyfriend does. Yes, my mom cheated with my dad and she was on her way with her boyfriend and was about to leave us; her three daughters and my dad, when the car accident happened to them, and they both died; she and her careless stupid boyfriend. On the very same day, my dad also died, but not as in dead dead, it's more of, he's just there, physically present, physical existing but not living at all. Nilunod niya yung sarili niya sa alak, pinabayaan niya ang kanyang sarili, ang kompanya na pagmamay-ari namin, ang pamilya niya at ang lahat sa paligid niya. Parang siyang isang makinarya na nag shutdown dahil nawala na ang nag iisang tao na kayang mag patakbo nito sapagkat ang taong iyon ay sumuko na, nawala na, patay na.

Kasama sa pagpanaw ng aking ina, pagsuko ng aking ama, at ang pagkawala at pagkaubos ng lahat ng aming mga ari-arian ay ang paglaho ng aking mga pangarap. Nawalan nang kulay at saya ang aming tahanan.

Katulad nga ng sinabi ko kanina, wala na kaming pera pangtustos sa aming pag aaral. I was in second year college at a prestigious university in Manila and was taking up my course Bachelor of Arts Major in Literature, then everything happened. Napabayaan ko ang studies ko anyway hindi na rin naman ako makakapagpatuloy ng pag aaral dahil wala na kaming pera, sinubukan ko noong kumuha ng scholarship pero dahil sa dami ng iniisip ko noong mga oras na yun ay hindi ko na ito naasikaso.

My sister Charity left me with our youngest sister Amity. Well my sister, Ate Chichi (short for Charity) was my aunt Irma's favorite, nasa Canada si tita Irma and she was the only sister of my mom, and she decided to adopt ate Chichi para dun na siya magaral. After my sister left we never heard anything from her, I guess ganoon na lang kami kadaling kalimutan, our other relatives from mom's side neglected us as well, iniisip nila na si dad ang may kasalanan kung bakit ito sumama sa ibang lalaki, marahil daw ay sinasaktan siya ng tatay ko kung kaya't hindi na nito nakayanan at iniwan kami, na naging dahilan rin nang pagkakaaksidente nito. Mom's family was rich and my dad's was just average. Naging maganda lang ang buhay naming noon dahil hardworking at matalino si dad, so because of mom's support, they were able to build our own publishing company. Pero lahat ng yun ay nawala dahil sa isang trahedya. Tinutulungan naman kami ng kamaganak namin sa father's side but their family is not as rich as mom's, average lang ng mga ito at marami na din silang inasikaso sa buhay kaya nahihiya na rin ako na lumapit sa kanila, so I have no choice but to find a job for me, Mimi (short for Amity), and dad. Si tita Jona (father's side) na rin kasi ang nagpapa aral kay Mimi who's in her fifth grade, kaya kailangan kong magwork para meron man lang akong mabigay para sa pang araw araw naming gastusin.

So there, the very unfortunate story of my life. That's why I can't bear people calling me by my first name, because it feels wrong. How can I be the same positive, whimsical, go-getter and happy girl with everything that had happened? I just can't lie to myself that everything's fine but I can still act like everything's okay, it's just that, I can't be happy, I can't be that same person I was once, I can't be my very own name.

Actually it was Andrea's idea to call me by my last name since wala akong second name. She is my best friend and she told me that Maria seems fitting because for her, I look like a "manang" with the way I dress, my physical appearance and even my dream is also "pang manang." Don't get me wrong, I know it was a complete stereotyping, but I guess mas ok na din yun. I prefer that name over felicity, at least Maria has a sense of truthfulness in it, unlike my real name.

So here I am, standing in front of a telecommunication company. Mag aaply aka bilang isang call centre agent since maganda at malinaw ako magsalita at bumigkas. I always loved speech classes when I was still studying and for me, the way you speak can be as deceiving as the way you look. My appearance is just on the average side - 5'3 ang height ko, slim dahil hindi na rin ako nakakakain ng maayos, long black wavy hair (as in black), pale, and plain. My mom once told me that my eyes are my asset, well aside from them being the window to one's soul, mom told me that my eyes were more than just a window, if by any means, they are like black hole in the galaxy – mysterious, captivating. She said that by just looking at my eyes, people will feel like drowning but not wanting to get away from it because they would forever want to be drawn to it, but not everyone can notice that because I kept the wonder in them hidden, but only those who look deeper will notice and that's what makes it magically beautiful.

So yeah, here I am waiting for whoever's secretary to call my name. I have Andrea beside me wearing inappropriate clothes – mini dress, so short I could have mistaken it for a blouse, but she kept on insisting that it is a dress, just mini. Just for the info, me and my best friend Andi (short for Andrea) were a total opposite in everything, well we used to be both whimsical, spontaneous and optimistic, but everything has changed in me and I become more reserved, practical and realistic, but nevertheless, we never failed to understand each other and that's enough for me.

"So are you nervous?" Andi asked me, matter of factly. "No I'm not. I was just thinking about something, that's all," I lied. "Right. I know you're lying pero fine, anyway, I heard na gwapo daw yung may-ari nitong company at siya ang mag coconduct ng intreview, so good luck girl and never be distracted. Fighting!" she told me raising her fist. I didn't answer because the secretary called "Ms. Sta Maria you're next, please be ready."

I stood up, making myself look as confident as ever. One thing I mastered by being through all these shit was to keep a straight face despite everything and whatever it is that I'm feeling, I mastered the art of acting, of deceiving people and by looking them straight into their eyes.

I took a deep breath and smile. "For Mimi, you can do this." I told myself.